Monday, January 01, 2007

Let's Get Personal

Let's start the New Year with some personal correspondence.

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Dude Who Called Me At 12:20 a.m.,

Mike does not live here. I'm sure you ARE sorry that you
dialed a wrong number. Methinks we could not provide for
you what Mike might have provided.

If Mike does not live here at 12:20, he still does not live
here at 12:45. I am not partial to moving strangers into the
Mansion in the wee hours of the morning.

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Tori Spelling,

Condolences on the passing of your father. He provided me
with many hours of entertainment to avoid with a passion.

Now let's get down to business. I have an idea for a new
movie, in the vein of Mother May I Sleep With Danger?
I know you took a lot of flack for that one. Here's one
that may redeem you in the eyes of those critics. It was
suggested by some preeeevert who was searching for
naughty bits, I suppose. Listen to the announcer...imagine
it..."Up next: Tori Spelling stars in Mother, I Need A Good
Spanking!" Yes. I think it could work. Let me know. If you
pass on it, I'm going to offer it to Lindsay Lohan, and then
that no-talent Britney gal.

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Geezer Working The Window At McDonalds,

I know you are unhappy about working New Year's Day
because all the youngsters called in sick with hangovers. I
know you are very polite, and faster than those spry little
kids. But the cups are designed to drink the soda through
STRAWS, Geezer, and you inconvenienced us. We had to
go to Sonic and ask for extra straws. Which led to another
whole set of problems.

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Sonic Girl Who Used To Be Reliable,

Thanks for the two extra straws. My son didn't even mind
that there was no banana in his raspberry/banana smoothie.
But I draw the line at REAL Coke being used in my Cherry
Diet Coke. That's why I drove all the way back to town,
burning more gas money than the soda was worth. I'm mad
as heck and I'm not gonna take it anymore. Thanks for the
replacement soda. Next time I will hold up your line until
I sample the wares, not wait until I drive home, carry in the
perishable groceries, and sit down for an afternoon of sipping
the magical elixir which I assume to be what I ordered and
paid for.

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Old Man Behind Me In Line At Save-A-Lot,

Thank you for the penny. I really should carry change in my
pockets when I shop here. It would have been senseless to
take the change from a twenty for a $3.01 purchase. Even
though you are not quite as dramatic as the Oh So Pretty
woman last year on New Year's Day, I treasure your memory.
Perhaps the world is not going to H*ll in a handbasket just
yet. You are a prince among geezers, sir. I salute you.

***********************************************

That should do it. If you need me to write some personal
notes for you, I have one more day off. Then it's back to
Lower Basementia for the long haul until MAP Testing
Season.

After that, it will be a downhill ride.

7 comments:

Stewed Hamm said...

If you really wanted to, you could write some thank-you notes to everyone who's commented at my blog lately. It's quite a rogues gallery though, so I understand if you might not want to be writing notes to those people.
Anyway, if you're interested, the list includes you, and... actually, just you.

Cazzie!!! said...

Looks like customer service is lacking Worldwide, or perhaps it is just in our two lovely countries? Hmmmm. Happy New Year HBM :)

Hillbilly Mom said...

Stewedhamminaboxlikecheapwine,
See what happens when you go on hiatus and don't tell people when you have unhiatused? Only the stalkers will notice. Bwahaha!


Cazzie,
I'm sure that's it. Only in our two countries. Never in Hillmomba.
Happy New Year to you as well.

MrsCoach2U said...

Could you drop a note to the guy who kept talking to me in Wal-Mart yesterday, I really don't need to know the price of CD players or that you prefer cinnamon graham crackers over the honey ones. Guess that's what I get for going to WM while the "short" bus is parked outside!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Mrs.,
I'll write it in my best Big Chief Tablet penmanship:

Dear Friendly Guy,

You are the guy who wants to eat with us when we're dining in hotels. The guy who wants to know if the book we're reading is any good, or if you can keep us company on the plane. I want to thank you, Ray DON, for your unfailing attention and concern. But read my lips, and remember, as hard as it is to believe, that sometims, we like talking just to each other, and sometimes, we like just being alone.

Sincerly,
Julia Sugarbaker


Do you think he watched Designing Women? Methinks not.

MrsCoach2U said...

That was my favorite (among many) episode. I should have thought faster (see why I don't teach in the basement) and recited that speech. You are my hero!!!!!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Mrs.,
I knew that of all people, YOU would appreciate the Sugarbakerism. Weren't you the one who finally guessed the "I have a thirst for knowledge. In fact, I yearn for it." quote? That thing made the rounds for about a year and a half before somebody got it right.