Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Did ya know...

Hey, guess what people actually try look up? Oh, c'mon, you
know you'll never guess anything freaky enough. Let me share
my stats with you.

Did ya know that people are seeking the answers to these
mysteries of the universe? Well, they are! And some are
merely giving advice that has not been solicited. For example...

too many cooks in the same place could spoil the pot
Well, now. Maybe y'all should be more careful with the
pot. And why do you need so many cooks, anyway, if
your pot is no good? Get off the pot, cooks!
It's a gateway drug, I'm told.

11000 nickels =
$550. You're welcome. I'm a math teacher, you know.
And a slot player.

halls cherry lyptus how many calories
If ya gotta ask, methinks 'eating disorder' may be the answer.
These things are not tasty. If you're eating them, you're sick
in one way or another.

why does my baby kookaburra cry so much
I am calling the Division of Kookaburra Services! Shame
on you! Give that Kookaburra some gumdrops. Do not
stifle the Kookaburra. Don't you know he must lead a
gay life, counting monkeys and all? Stop making him sit
on rusty nails! He doesn't need a boo-boo on his tail!

what size rope to make hillbilly golf
Silly! You can put a hillbilly in a golf cart, but you can't
make him golf. No matter how much rope you threaten
him with. Hillbillies don't golf. They dive into the ponds
and crawl through the woods picking up golf balls to sell
back to the country club. They usually do this at night,
so as not to get caught.

it's been said a fool and his money are soon parted. meaning
Give me some money and I'll explain it to you.

kids who hunt, trap and fish don't mug little old ladies
Nooo...but they hunt them, trap them, and use them for bait.

phone charger plug has sniped how too pull it out of the socket
First, wait until it gets back from the snipe hunt. This may take
several days, because there are no snipes around these parts.
Your phone charger has been pranked, left holding the bag.
Once he comes back, I recommend prying him out of that
socket with a metal fork. Yep. That should do the trick.

what to do when teepeeing, rubber bands driveways, fork yards
All right, I know this is complicated, but teepee means TP,
which means toilet paper. You throw it into trees. Rubber
bands driveways means you stretch big rubber bands across
driveways. Fork yards means you put plastic forks in yards.
Next time, I'll talk you through building a rocket to send man
back (ha ha ha) to the moon, and how to perform a frontal

road kill picker upper job description
Again, I know this is complicated, but that job description
would be: pick...up...road...kill.

i heard a yelp and found my dog dead
Well, doggone it! Looks like you should have moved a little
faster when you heard that yelp, huh?

suave shampoo (question for animals)
Do you really expect an answer? In what language? Is your
last name Dolittle?

2nd half to woodchuck rhyme
...if a woodchuck could chuck wood. I know them all. My
mama LOVED ME!

ca teachers and double dipping
Darn those California teachers! They get DIP? And look how
ungrateful they are, double-dipping. Hey, CA teachers...the
French onions called, and they want their dip back. I suppose
you get a day off for Festivus too, huh?

sunroof cuts cat in half
True, but it's not really the most efficient or precise method,
now is it? May I suggest a paper cutter?

With that, I must bring this informationfest to a close.
Time's a-wastin'. I'm a workin' woman again, you know.


Redneck Diva said...

Oh gosh, I'm laughing so hard. Hillbilly Mom, you are one funny hillbilly. And oh, how I've missed you. While you're searching the internet for silly search phrases and things like that, will you try to find my life? I seem to have misplaced it.

Stewed Hamm said...

You brought the funny today, HM. Next thing we know, you'll be sneaking cat pictures into our mailboxes.

MamaKBear said...

I got a good chuckle out of the "11,000 nickels" one. LOL

Hiya :)

Hillbilly Mom said...

Dear Diva,
If you need a laugh, go to your own stats. You have much pervier searchers than I.

In an effor to find your life, I shall car-sing Lucinda Williams's's's "I Lost It".

La la la...I'm warming up.

"I think I lost it.
Let me know if you come across it.
Let me know if I let it fall along a back road somewhere.

Money can't replace it.
No memory can erase it.
And I know I'm never gonna find another one to compare."

You can't stay away, can you, Stewie? I got you hooked like a bluegill on a red wiggler.

I truly miss my verboten kitty liasons with the departed Mr K. How dare he leave, when he was my only source of joy in a world of DoNots? What is with you young whippersnappers? It's all about the almighty dollar, huh?

We slotties know what it's all about, don't we?