Saturday, January 13, 2007

Like A Chimney

((cough)) ((cough)) Ahhheemmmmm. There. Now my throat
is clear. Please pardon my phlemishness tonight. I smoked a
pack of cigarettes today. Oh, they weren't MY cigarettes. I
got to smoke them for free at the bowling alley, courtesy of
6 different people, while watching my kids' bowling league.

If you're a smoker, you may not want to read further. My wit
can cut like a knife. But this is one case where I hate the game,
not the player. Get yourself un-addicted to demon nicotine,
people. No good can come of it.

I've had friends who were smokers. I coughed and sputtered
every time they lit up. Not to be snarky, but because I couldn't
breathe, people. Yep. I am one of those fanatics who would
have you step outside to smoke. Not in MY house. I ain't
livin' in no used ashtray. No way, no how.

I know that a bowling alley is not exactly a hotbed of health.
But those folks didn't have to stand next to me, puffin' like
The Little Engine That Could Destroy My Alveoli. (That
one's for those of you who learned your anatomy and
physiology like a good little student.) Only one woman
had the manners to fan her smoke away from me. The
two men puffed like chimneys, oblivious to the tendrils of
pollutants that snaked their way up my nasal cavities. The
other woman acted like I had broken into her home and
sat my big fat butt down on her orange-and-brown plaid
couch with the wooden armrests and double-dipped my
Ruffles into her Prairie Farms French Onion Dip. But the
worst offenders were the 2 fifteen-year-old boys who
brought their own pool cues in little violin-like cases and
smoked during their game. Pool is not a game for smoking.
Which means one of them always had a cigarette smoldering
in the ashtray while he took his turn. Then one forgot to take
a drag, and both cigarettes laid together in sin, instigating a
squabble between Beavis and Butthead. "Hey! Which one
is mine? Did you put yours on that side, or is that mine?"
Yeah. You definitely wouldn't want to get any same-sex
lip-cooties in your oral cavity when you're sucking down
those carcinogens, now would you?

All this lighting up made our weekly family outing another
instance of people pissing me off. It's the kids' league.
I wasn't in a bar, or a casino. I expect smoke when I
go to a casino. I can't complain there, unless the offender
has the cigarette poked in my face by holding it and resting
his hand on the arm of the bandit. I think if you're going to
smoke, then puff, puff, puff that cigarette. Don't let it lie
fallow, smoldering its tobacky away into thin air. Suck
all that stuff into your own lungs, don't let it drift into mine.

Now I'm all riled up. I'm going to have to continue this
Public Service Announcement tomorrow. I still have a
lot to say.


LanternLight said...

I have a relation who is a phyisical training instructor.

He invariably asks his new recruits who the smokers are.

Then goes on to lecture the fools that Ratsac (a type of rat poison) is:
a) faster, and
b) cheaper than smoking.

Redneck Diva said...

Having been a smoker myself, I am truly not offended by your comments. In fact, I think you are dead on. I considered myself to be a very considerate smoker because I knew it was nasty and stinky. Any time I'd sit near someone who wasn't smoking in the casino, I'd make sure to blow my smoke in the other direction, because chances are the person on the other side was a smoker. And even in a building where smoking was allowed, I refused to smoke near children. I dunno, call me considerate.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Yeah, that's another thing...THE COST. Just think of all the scratch-off tickets that money could buy!

Considerate! There, I called you considerate. Because in my mind, I'm like, 13 years old.

deadpanann said...

It is expensive. I once figured up that I was spending over $1200 a year on cigarettes when I smoked. Look at my "quit meter" from

Todays Date: 1/14/2007

My Quit Date: 6/3/2005
Smoke-Free Days: 590
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 17,725
Amount Saved: $2950 (<---------that IS a lotta scratch off tickets! :))
Life Gained:
Days: 42 Hrs: 21 Mins: 8 Seconds: 47

Chickadee said...

I can't stand the smell of that crap. People come into my store, smelling like smoke and it's terrible. It's not that recently smoked smell, but that buildup of smoke that has been on their clothes and their breath for makes me want to gag.

I guess all that smoke has dulled their sense of smell along with their senses of courtesy and common sense. Ugh.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
Wow! That's a lot of vet bills!

The students don't think you can smell. That's how I used to bust them for smoking in the bathroom. They would ask to go, and stink of smoke upon return. I tipped off the principal about who was asking to go every day, and he caught them. Heh heh. Do not try to outsmart Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, kids.

A little anorexic got mad at me at another school, for reporting that she asked to go to the bathroom EVERY DAY right after lunch, and returned with her little eyes all red. Her family pitched a big fit and said that I made her that way. DUH! Hate the disease, not the tattler, people. This kid got really bad, and had to go into a program. What if I hadn't reported her antics at the 8th grade age? What then, blaming parents? How long before you would have noticed? Try to save a kid's life, and that's the thanks I get!