Sunday, December 31, 2006

Hillbilly New Year's Eve

Brought to you by the phrases people search for and find in
some way, shape, or form at my little slice of heaven.
I ain't gonna pretty 'em up for ya, neither!

Let's have a holiday party! I can host it. ive got a mansion,
you know! Ladies, don't expect to sit on your cushiony butts
and enjoy the festivities, because we are waitresses at the
banquet of life.

First, let's discuss the dress code. This is a no panties dress
dinner. I mean it. I find that it makes for better looking up
dresses from under the dinner table stories, don't you? There
shall be no melina divas 2006 lingerie special white stockings
like last year. I certainly hope you learned your lesson, Melina.
Or DID you? Most people don't like to be spanked over the all I'm sayin'. ;)

Disclaimer: I have no personal knowledge of whether or not Melina likes to be
spanked over a desk. It is just a little joke
of the hillbilly variety, which methinks
she will not take exception to,
but if she does, then I am sorry and will not do
such a thing again,
but will instead pick on my buddy Redneck Diva, who is
all about
taking one for the redneck team when a buddy is trying to get a
cheap laugh at her expense.

what kind of clothes does a hillbilly dress? you ask. Hmm...
a hillbilly doesn't dress clothes, silly. A hillbilly dresses a
person, like how you dress up hannah montana when she's
a cid. I don't know what a 'cid' is, but darn her, that Hannah
Montana, for being one. I'm sure it's something popular, and
a way of stealing the spotlight from ME.

Getting back to our dress code...many people (OK, two)
have asked me where do to you get the hm flash, HM? It's
a combination of what I learned at a hillbilly church dance,
and on superhero day dress up homecoming under armor.
Yes, it's a far cry from when that elf costume tied my arms.
Now I know that all you have to do is put on some sissy
deodorant so people don't say pu - you stink, and then step
into some clothes worn by jekyll and hyde, who must have
been quite the fashion plates back in the day. As long as
you take this advice, you won't end up looking like those
melon heads at felt mansion.

Now let's move on to those hillbilly dinner party crazy named
menu items, shall we? Don't worry about the hillbilly appetizers.
They're not actually made OF hillbillies, they're made BY
hillbillies. Whew! I know that's a relief for you. And there's
no truth to the rumor that after HM went in to prepare snapping
turtle recipe she was heard to scream what causes homemade
cocktail sauce to gel after making, anyway? Nope, everything
is just fine.

I've got a volunteer to help me. sammie sparks toss my salad!
She must be really good at it. People keep asking about her
all the time. I think she even made a movie about it. Funny
that I haven't seen it on the Food Network. You can relax.
It's hsus club sandwiches not seals hoodie for sale. You can
eat sandwiches, not chew on those dry cotton-mouth inducing
hoodies. Sorry about the 'sale' part. I can't write off this whole
affair as a business expense because somebody didn't bring
me the orange sherbet punch receipts. AND, even worse, I
can't find hamburger helper potato stroganoff. But don't y'all
worry, we still have plenty of food. At this very moment I
have recipe for fentanyl patch in microwave, and it's almost
microwave time for hog jowl. Then, for all of you who are
game, we'll have a chicken strip serenade. That means if you
sing and take off some clothes, we'll throw chicken at you.
Mmm, mmm. Can it get any better than this?

Yes, it can. After dinner, we will play poker in hot tub until
it's time to ring in the New Year. OK, so some of you have
already rung it in. I can't help it that I'm in the remedial
hemisphere. Humor me. And whoever finds the lucky
hairwad in that free hot tub gets to spend a week with
HM and the spawn at the Hillbilly Mansion. If you survive.
By now, that hairwad has a reputation like the Giant Squid.

Don't go blamin' me if you end up at the hillbilly hospital snl
after the festivities. At least you'll get a laugh out of it. And
I don't know why people last year complained: hm burns.
Were they calling me a bitter old cheapskate, a la Montgomery
Burns? Were they insinuating that HM is the new STD, and
that they got some painful symptoms from contracting me?
Am I, perhaps, the new Berber carpet, capable of leaving
umm...HM burns after an evening of overzealous hanky panky?
I don't know, and I'm afraid to ask.

Won't you all come to my party this New Year's Eve? Do
you want to bring something? C'mon...who makes hillbilly
bread? And what do YOU put in it?

Or maybe I don't want to know.


Cazzie!!! said...

I can make up a platter of antipasto type foods and dips.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Sounds good. Looks like I shouldn't expect a crowd, huh? Or perhaps they prefer not to bring any snacks. That's OK too. The pleasure of their company will be enough. Though I hope they're not this quiet, or it will be like one of Mary Richards' parties. Without the Veal Prince Orloff.

Melina said...

I am honored to be a part of this post :) And I'm not telling if I like to be spanked over the desk or not ;)

Hillbilly Mom said...

We can use our imaginations. Or our psychic abilities.