Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Valium On The Keyboard

Oh, don't be so shocked. My 8-year-old son is the one who
told me. "Big Brother told me there's valium on the keyboard,
but I can't find it."

Perhaps I'd better start at the beginning, before some Nosy
Nancy calls the hotline on me. I told my #2 son he should not
wear his earphones when he plays his Pirates Live The Life
computer game. The music is so loud that I can hear it across
the room--with him wearing his earphones. #2 replied that
he can't find out how to turn down the volume: "Big Brother
told me there's valium on the keyboard, but I can't find it."
Yeah. He really meant 'volume'. I got it fixed for him.
Looking for that valium on the keyboard.

Grades came home on Monday. #1 son had the usual list
of As, with one A- in keyboarding. It was a 96.something
percent. HH looked through the list of assignments that
are printed with the report cards, and asked, "Why did
you get an 'F' on the 12 Days of Christmas?" #1 assured
him that every student in his keyboarding class got the
same 'F' on that assignment. He thought that maybe the
teacher entered the assignment, then didn't go back to
record the scores.

It was no big deal. It's not like we're paying tuition to
Harvard. It's a 6th-grade elective quarter-grade. But then
HH got that look in his eye. The eye that thought a growling
stray cat was ours, so he poked her with a broom handle.
"You should go to school and rub your butt and say 'Man,
my dad was SO mad about that 'F' that he beat me with
the belt'. That'll make her feel bad." OK, so HH's jokes
aren't all that funny...but it seemed like kind of a good

I put my spin on it. "I can email Best Friend's Mom Whose
Room Is Just Down The Hall and tell her 'When you see
Your Friend That Keyboarding Teacher, sigh and say I
feel sooo sorry for that little Hillbilly boy. His dad whipped
him with the belt because he got an 'F' on his report card.'

#1 son joined in the plan. "When we go on that incentive trip
to the movie, I'll sit down by her on the bus and say 'Owww.
My dad got the belt after me because of that 'F'.' And I'll have
The Boy Born In A Truck go up to her later and say 'I wish
I had my phone back. My dad took it away because I got
an 'F' in keyboarding.' Then I'll tell Girl Who Saw Me At The
Chili Supper Back In Second Grade And Said Hiiiiii-iiiiiiii
Boy And Grinned Real Big to say 'My mom sent me
to bed without supper Monday night because I got an 'F' in

We all thought we were pretty clever, until it hit me. What if
she calls the hotline on us for child abuse? I'm not sure if
we're going to follow through on this prank or not. With my
luck, the payback would be too much.

Like when her gang arranged a date with a blow-up doll for
payback on another teacher's prank.


Redneck Diva said...

Obviously the volume/valium thing is more common than I thought!

When a friend of ours was telling us about his vasectomy (not telling us everything about it, mind you) he said, "I was nervous, but they gave me some volume beforehand and then I felt gooooood!" His wife shook her head, patted him on the leg and said, "Honey, it's Valium." His reply: "I don't care what it was - I just want to know how to get more!"

Hillbilly Mom said...

Well, it must have been better than the fake vicodin I got after my operation last year.