Saturday, January 06, 2007

The Sitcom of My Life: Season 2

Somewhere, back in one of my old blogs, I developed the
sitcom of my life. I believe I even had a theme song. It was
kind of like on Designing Women, when Carlene told the
other gals about how she imagined her life. I know that
Mrs. Coach will know what I'm talkin' about. I don't feel
like searching for that old post to link it, so we'll just start
out now with Season 2, since I don't remember what
happened in the last episode.

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Here is what you have to look forward to in Season 2 of
That Wacky Hillbilly Mom:

Episode 1
HM moves back to her home town and rents a 2-bedroom
townhouse apartment. She doesn't want to fork out the big
bucks, but her mama begs her to for God's sake please
live in a nice place for once and quit being so cheap. Only
she doesn't even have to use those words, she just gives that
mom look and says, "I'll pay the difference from whatever
you were planning to rent." Having weathered Reaganomics,
a year of part-time jobbing to get her Masters, and fending
off freeloaders who wanted to become Mr. HM, HM has
a little nest egg of $10,000 in the bank, and will not bite
the proffered financial carrot. She takes the townhouse to
prove that she might just make it after all.

Episode 2
Three girls move into the next door townhouse. They have
three cars, and three boyfriends with their own three cars.
Watch HM try to defend the two parking spots in front of
her townhouse. Which she pays for all by herself, and doesn't
split three ways.

Episode 3
The landlord builds a new building with four townhouses and
four one-bedroom units. Blissfully unaware of what lies in store,
HM befriends some of the new tenants at the pool. She divides
her time between the insurance adjuster and the factory
maintenance man.

Episode 4
One of her new pool buddies asks HM to go for a Sunday
afternoon drive. She agrees, not knowing that it will be more
than a three-hour tour through the backwoods of a neighboring
county, with no stops for food, beverage, or body functions,
with the headliner of the blue-car-with-one-red-fender resting
on her head after the first ten minutes of the trip.

Episode 5
HM, having survived the Deliverance tour, invites her new
fellow to dinner. She cooks four pork chops, green beans,
and Stove-Top Stuffing. The fellow eats two pork chops,
then goes to the stove and wraps the last one in foil. "I'll
have that for my lunch tomorrow." HM ponders this fellow's
presumptuousness.

Episode 6
HM's fellow invites her to a BBQ. She walks across the
parking lot to his abode and discovers what this really means.
He has set up a Weber grill on the front sidewalk, opened
the front doors of his car to blast WIL country music on
the radio, and has dragged the building's picnic table into his
front yard. Most of the neighbors in that building walk down
to watch them eat.

Episode 7
The purloined picnic table has become the gathering place
of the apartment complex. A variety of tenants pass the
time sitting on top of the table in The Fellow's front yard,
drinking beer and shooting the bull. Conversation varies
depending on which members are absent, and thus fodder
for the mill.

"Did you SEE him on that raft? I think after a certain age,
men should not be able to wear Speedos."

"I hear she has a red Mustang, with all the parts to fix it
up still in boxes. She just hasn't got around to it yet."

"I can't believe they're going to sue the car wash. That
vinyl top was peeling off ever since they've moved in.
They should have known it would rip off in the car wash."

"Hey! I know that guy! He's the one that robbed that
bank a couple years ago. I guess he's out now. Looks
like he's moving into that new building."

"Let's see who's in the obituaries. Hmm...I know that
old lady. I ran over her one time when I was driving the
city truck. They had to pay a big settlement. She was
OK. I only broke her arm."

"Here comes Sanford and sons. Geez! Why doesn't he
paint that truck so it's all one color?"

"I can put my foot behind my head. Want to see?"

"I think he's kind of cheap. We went bowling, and he
said, 'Baby, we need to get some money from the cash
machine. Let's see...we're bowling, and we're going to
eat, and you'll need money for your lunches all week...
better get $10.' Then he said he didn't want any beer
at the bowling alley, but when those people I knew
were leaving, and asked if we wanted the rest of
their pitcher, he said, 'Baby, go get us some cups.'"

"I told him he's going to get in trouble. She's only 17.
But her parents LOVE him. I asked him what he sees
in her, and he said, 'Her skin is so smooth.' And I said,
'Yeah. It's baby-soft.' He needs to let her down easy."

********************************************

After seven episodes, the sitcom will go on hiatus, leaving
HM deciding where her life with this fellow is headed.
Tune in every day to see when the next episodes will
air. Perhaps I will run promos advertising the return of
That Wacky Hillbilly Mom.

Perhaps not.

2 comments:

deadpanann said...

"Baby, go get us some cups."

That cracked me up.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
I sure you would have REALLY liked it if you heard him in person, what with his Georgia accent, telling his Tennessee wife to go get some cups for the free beer.