Monday, March 26, 2007

Warning: Product Recall

And now, for a public service announcement from Hillbilly
Mom. Recall warnings have been issued on the following
products.

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HM's Recall List of Keyword Products

the devil's playground lesson plans esl
Though in high demand from teachers this spring, the
Devil's Playground Lesson Plans book of reproducibles
has been taken off the market. Seems that too many
youngsters were being lost in H*llholes, and the ones
who weren't were clamoring for ice water all the live-
long day. Fearing some explainin' might be in order
after parents noticed their children never returned home
from school, administrators nationwide called special
school board meetings to ban this teacher resource book.
For the record, the 'esl' stands for 'extra special lessons'.

height and blood spatter worksheets
Teachers just can't catch a break. Now their high-interest,
student-centered curriculum is taking a hit. Nothing got
blood pumping like these height and blood spatter
worksheets. Students couldn't get enough of this hands-
on scientific method bell-ringer. Teachers could stand
in the hall for duty (transl. gossip sessions) and return
to find the students happily measuring blood spatter as
instructed. Nothing was better at keeping kids on-task.
Especially since those who weren't on-task were deemed
the donators of blood for the next day's lesson. Because
some Jehovah's Witnesses complained that they don't
like their kids giving away blood that can not be replaced,
the day of the height and blood spatter worksheet is over.

hornet's nest boosterseat commercial
According to the Attorney General's office, makers of
regular boosterseats complained that this commercial
shows exaggerated 'good times' with the hornet's nest
boosterseat. The commercial in question shows toddlers
waving, squealing, wriggling, kicking, and jumping for joy
after riding a few minutes in their new Hornet's Nest
Boosterseat. They furthermore state that the use of the
song 'I Don't Love You Much ' in the background tugs
at the heartstrings of the tail-end Baby Boomers, and
exerts undue influence over them to buy this boosterseat
over a no-frills, no-hornet boosterseat. Don't worry. The
boosterseats are still on the market. Only the commercial
has been recalled. Who knew kids would enjoy sitting on
hornets' nests so much?

talking mirror hm
This mirror has frightened several old ladies to death.
Ladies so old, their social security numbers were 1, 2,
and 3. So old that if this mirror hadn't killed them, and
some wiseguy on the street had told them to act their
ages, they would have dropped dead. The problem
lies in the cranked-up volume of the talking mirror. It
shorts out the hearing aids of the elderly, and gives them
brain spasms leading to death by auditory amplification.
The mirror shouts: "Mirror, mirror, propped against the
back-bedroom wall...who's the OH SO PRETTIEST
one of all?" If you have one of these mirrors, you can get
a replacement volume-control button at Walgreen's.

bone weenus
Get rid of it! It's neither a bone, nor a weenus. Preliminary
tests have pointed to a synthetic, cartilaginous strip of
material that pops out of wireless underwire brassieres
after they have been worn every day for three years.
Scam artists have only recently begun selling them on
eBay as 'bone weenuses'. Don't expect a refund unless
you paid by PayPal.

fat man in a little coat lyrics
Not even an 'explicit lyrics' sticker can keep this song
alive. The recall stems from the terrible loss of fat men
and fabric each time this song gets airplay. Fat men and
coat fabric are terrible things to waste. Please, if you are
near a fat man when this song comes on, for the love of
Gummi Mary, hide all the little coats. It's not a pretty
sight.

story about a little old lady who had stopped at a stop
sign and was slow getting going
This literary gem may seem harmless, but it has caused
more deaths than 4-year-old expired ranch dressing.
Countless readers have keeled over from boredom before
getting even one paragraph into this story. The author
could not be reached for comment. It is believed that she
is sequestered, writing an entry for the next contest at
writeinthethickofit.

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There you have it, your official recall list.
Learn it. Know it. Live it.

4 comments:

Stewed Hamm said...

If this is the only stuff that's been recalled, is it safe to assume that you're all still chowing down on peanut butter and dog food?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Stewedpeanutbutterchow,
Well, I haven't combined the two for a casserole just yet...

Redneck. Diva. said...

Poor little ol' lady at the stop sign...she can't help it. Her bone weenus was poking her. You'd have trouble getting going at a stop sign if you had that problem, too.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
That earned you an out-loud chuckle. A chuckle AND a snort. HM doesn't cut loose like that very often, dear.

That poor old lady. I thought perhaps her waistboob fell on the brake pedal.