Monday, March 19, 2007

Out To Get Hillbilly Mom

The gremlins are out to get Mrs. Hillbilly Mom tonight.
She has tried her best to put out a quality post for you.
While it may not be entertaining, it is chock-full of
essential nutrients for preparing your own taxes. Hey!
Wake up! You can skim that part if you must. Just read
the parts where Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is OH SO MAD
because thingies and PEOPLE PISS HER OFF!

Here's a list of them. Because Mrs. Hillbilly Mom
and ten thousand monkeys, typing all night until their
fingers were bloody stubs, could not do justice to the
trials she has been through tonight. Read 'em and weep.
Weep for poor Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, who has taken to
referring to herself in the third person, a la 'Jimmy',
because as we all know, her life is a Seinfeld episode.
Weep, by cracky! Get the cryin' towel! Here they are:

McAfee, the pesky window-peeping security center
Rnaapp, who doesn't respond. Crash! Crash!
irs.gov, where you can never quite find what you need
SBC/AT&T, who doublespeak and double bill
dor.mo.gov, where you always time out
e-file, the Devil's Handmaiden of tax preparation
George Bush-just because


Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is not pleased. She has wasted her
valuable time fiddling about on the internets, trying to find
crucial information. Let's begin with a hot tip from her
blog buddy, Lantern.

Lantern, though not required to file a U.S. Federal Tax
Return himself, has gone above and beyond the call of
blog-buddy duty to inform Mrs. Hillbilly Mom of the
telephone federal excise tax one-time refund. Kudos,
Lantern, on your diggingest dog technique to ferret out
the nickels and dimes Mrs. Hillbilly Mom so vitally needs
to support her gambling habit. This could snag her $60
of HH's hard-earned (HE says) cash. Job well done,
Lantern. Don't hold your breath waitin' for your cut.
But Mrs. Hillbilly Mom will keep looking for more
ancient pictures to post, since the Lovely Green Shirt
Jeannie was not forthcoming on March 17.

After finding some tiny loopholes in the Child Tax Credit
publication, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is ready to get a discount
for procreating. Only on the U.S. Federal Tax Forms
do you round $100 to the nearest multiple of $1000.
Which means: $1000. And not in a good way, like in
"I won $100, but they are rounding it to $1000!"
Weep. Weep for Mrs. Hillbilly Mom.

And to add insult to injury, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom must
freakin' PAY to e-file her taxes. It isn't enough that people
who don't even EARN as much as Mrs. Hillbilly Mom
PAYS in taxes get HUGE refunds to buy their plasma TVs
and meth ingredients. They also get to e-file FOR FREE.
But Mrs. Hillbilly Mom earns too much for that. Ha ha!
The last laugh is on you, evil IRS minions! Mrs. Hillbilly
Mom refuses to pay to file her taxes! She will do it the
old-fashioned way, with a number two pencil, on your
papery packet of slaughtered trees. She don't need no
rapid refund. Snail mail is just fine for old Hillbilly Mom.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom would also like to thank her real-life,
real-person teaching buddy, Mabel, who informed her
this morning that the Educator Expense Deduction of
$250 is STILL IN EFFECT this year. Sorry, Mabel,
that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom called for reinforcements to
verify your claim. You see, not being quite so independ-
ently wealthy as Mabel, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom does not
use TurboTax, and TRUSTED the evil 1040 instructions.
Thank the Gummi Mary, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom has friends
in tax places.

You can't be too careful when you're dealing with
Uncle Sam.

4 comments:

Chickadee said...

Ugh, I HATE tax forms. Why do those dang things get more complicated with time? They enjoy making you pay to jump through their hoops. I can hear their evil laughter all the way over here...

Hope you got that evil thing finished. Ugh.

LanternLight said...

Lantern. Don't hold your breath waitin' for your cut.

Sounds like there's a queue forming behind the real-life, real-person Mabel.

:-)

Redneck. Diva. said...

I figured our taxes online this year in an effort to save the $90+ that we pay our accountant every year to do it for us. Except, my husband had such a profitable year at the casinos that according to my figgerin' - it ROBBED us of valuable monies!!! The refund I figured was about $2k less than last year and hoo doggies! I was incensed, outraged and downright disappointed. So I am going Friday to have the wise tax man figure them, hoping he can find a way to get us back what we lost when my husband won. I am never letting him in a casino again. He's too lucky.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Chick,
It's not yet finished. It's a work in progress. It usually changes 3 or 4 times before I get the final draft.

Lantern,
Shh...you'll raise Mabel's suspicions.

Diva,
If you keep a log of your losses, you can deduct them off the winnings. I think you have to itemize and file Schedule A for that. I don't even bother with the won/loss stuff, because I'm such an Even Steven.