Sunday, March 25, 2007

Those Wacky Teachers

Let's talk education. Or to be grammatically correct, which
is something that rarely happens here at the preposition-
ending sentence blog, 'Let's talk about education',
or thereabouts.

I have been doing some research on the internet. Which
means I have been reading Google News. I always find
a search for 'teacher' to be quite eye-opening. For instance,
did you know that the world is full of vampire teachers,
biting teachers, toilet cam teachers, murdering teachers,
and suffocating-your-child-with-office-products teachers?

Item 1: Vampire Stories Teacher Quits
Somewhere in the UK, there is one more unemployed
teacher. Seems that her employers did not look kindly
upon her moonlighting as an author of vampire romance.
She used a pen name, and had warnings on her website
of the explicit content. Unfortunately for her, teachers
are not allowed to have lives when not at school. I'm
supposing the linking of her writing site on her personal
MySpace account was her undoing. That, and the
allegations of some students that she read her work
to them at school. Which I'm not so sure of, since she
was given the equivalent of an honorable discharge,
what with a glowing recommendation after she agreed
to resign.

Item 2: Teacher Chided for Biting Thigh of Wrestler
Who Tried to Give Him a Wedgie

Salem, Oregon, baby! Back in the USofA. Only here
could a teacher become the big bad victim. The highly
unfortunate history teacher was walking down the hall
when a minimum of 6 wrestlers, ranging from 180-215
pounds, grabbed him from behind, and attempted to give
him a wedgie. The athletes pinned him to the ground and
would not let him up. In an attempt to free himself, the
teacher bit one of the wrestlers on the inner thigh, leaving
teeth marks. The student and his family did not pursue a
complaint, but the school officials got wind of the situation
and (gasp) chided the teacher. He was required to write
a public apology to the student, was given two years'
probation for his "neglect of duty", received a reprimand
from the state of Oregon, and was forced to take a class
on appropriate behavior. The students? They were
disciplined by their coach. That's all.

Oh, great Googley Moogley! Where do I begin? How
dare that teacher go walking down the hall, swinging his
butt-cheeks in a 'come wedgie me' manner, just asking
for 6 strapping young lads to pounce on him. How dare
he feel that he was being attacked, and a need to defend
himself before they stuck their fingers or something else
where the sun don't shine. How dare he bite the part of
a student that was within biting range as he was pinned
down by 6 strapping young lads. Methinks that was his
undoing. He dared to bite the 'inner' thigh, which is OH
SO CLOSE to Inappropriateville. So if any of you plan
to become history teachers, make a Note To Self. 'When
attacked from behind by 6 strapping young athletes, let
them do what they want, because they have every right
to pin me down and touch me wherever they please.'

What chance did this guy have? Maybe it's just me, but
I have a feeling that 180-215 pound wrestlers are pretty
good at pinning someone to the ground. Umm...don't
they train for that every day? Wouldn't just ONE of them
be able to pin this guy? And what's with exposing your
'inner thigh' to some guy's teeth? Some guy who is pinned
down and can't move, so that you must squat over his face
to put your nether region in danger. But I digress. For a
brief moment, I forgot that the student-athlete is always

Item 3: Toilet Cam Teacher
Has a good alliterous ring to it, don't it? This occurred
in Canada, which begs the question 'Do y'all need to
get out more?' Don't be offended, dear sweet neighbors
to the north. I'm sure we have plenty of toilets in our
closets down here. Seems this teacher bought a little
hidden camera type thingy to spy on the babysitter for
his twins. He brought it to school to try it out, and put
it in his closet. Next cat out the bag, the camera was
found in the unisex teachers' restroom, hidden in the
toilet tank. When questioned, the teacher admitted
that he bought the camera and brought it to school.
He went to his closet, flung open the door, and was
astounded that it was not there. When asked why his
fingerprints were found on the toilet tank, he reported
that he had removed the lid a couple weeks ago to
fix a flushing problem with the toilet. Gosh! What a
nice guy! No wonder y'all polite Canadians didn't
charge him with a crime. After all, there was no info
from the camera on any of the computers owned by
the teacher. So we know he couldn't have viewed
any co-workers' buttocks on any other computer,
because he said he didn't.

Item 4: Teacher Beats Student To Death
A teacher in India beat a 12-year-old to death for not
doing his homework. The teacher tossed the student's
body down a well. He was caught when he confessed
to the murder. Perhaps a good Note To Self could
have prevented his embarrassing incriminating-myself
faux pas.

Hey! India! Y'all need to take a chill pill and attend
some anger management meetings in Canada

Item 5: Teacher in Sticky Situation After Allegedly
Taping Boys' Mouths Shut

Another case of domestic teacher violence (allegedly),
brings us back to the US. Like you couldn't tell. You
know how incredibly evil 2nd graders can be? Well, this
little devil wouldn't stop whistling, even after the teacher
told him. So she took matters into her own hands and
plugged up his whistle-hole with Scotch tape. Yeah! Free
advertising for you, Scotch-brand tape! But wait!
Whistler's mother didn't complain. It was the mother of
Laughs At Whistler who got her thong in a wad. Her
boy laughed at the tape incident, and got his gob glued
shut for good measure. Not real glue. Tape.
Scotch-brand tape.

Said the student's mama: "I don't believe a teacher should
be able to cut off a child's airway to where he just has to
breathe through his nose." Gosh, woman! Why don't you
just ask for the moon next time? Now we can't require
students to breathe through their noses instead of drooling,
slack jawed, mouth-breathing all the live-long day?

Furthermore..."I was shocked," said Gina, who asked us
not to disclose her last name. "It was like no, not in these
days and times. A teacher is not going to touch your child
and tape them, and basically assault your child." Oh, she
didn't want her last name used, but she mentioned the
name of her son earlier in the interview: DeUndre. Yeah.
Nobody will guess who it is, will they?

Alls I got to say to you, Gina, is "You and DeUndre should
not plan on moving to India any time soon."


DeadpanAnn said...

I'm sure I've told the story at least twice already, but the basketball coach at Delta Dumbville High got fired for being assaulted too. A female student was eating chips in the gym, and the principal had recently bitched the coach out about letting kids have food int he gym. So he told female student to put them away. She basically told him to eff off, which students are allowed to do at Delta Dumbville High. After asking her a couple more times, he grabbed the chips from her hand. She jumped up and started punching him in the face. He pushed her off of him, and she fell down. She punched him so hard his glasses were broken, but she didn't receive so much as a bruise from the (well deserved) fall. The principal suspended the student, but the parent called the superintendent and complained, as parents do. The superintendent fired the coach and let the child go back to school.

I hope I'm never on the wrong end of one of those situations, because I will not go quietly into that good night. I think if a student assaults a teacher, that teacher ought to be protected by the law. They should be able to defend themselves by whatever means necessary, and the student should be expelled permanently and checked into some kind of behavioral health center.

Being a teacher requires you to bite your tongue and smile while people piss on you in so many ways, and people act like we should just shut up and take whatever comes just because we have two months off per year.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
Two years ago, my arm was on the receiving end of an 8th grade boy's punch. I wanted to snap him like a twig, by cracky! But that little invertebrate was not worth losing my job over. As we preposition-ending sentencers say.

Now he wants back in my class next year. Which will probably happen, since I had him the year after the unfortunate teacher-assault faux pas. This year, he decided he didn't like me and didn't need my class. Somebody told me he now has 3 credits, after three semesters of HS., they're supposed to have accumulated 10-and-a-half by now, for those of you not up on this teachery lingo.

Anyhoo...imagine how fast his momma would have been up in the school's business if I had punched her sonny on the arm.

But if a kid makes a hit list, or brings a pocket knife to school, he's out. Because he MIGHT hurt someone. If they actually do it, it's not that big a deal.

Handbaskets, people. Handbaskets.

Redneck. Diva. said...

Just one more reason I'm not a teacher. I admire y'all - it's a war zone out there, what with kids trying to give y'all wedgies, calling y'all "dudes" and stuff...

Durn disrespectful kids.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Umm...methinks it was your own Dear Abby using the dude-speak, no? I certainly hope that young whippersnapper learned her lesson. Before she decides to tell that dude his Social Security number is '1'.