Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Book Learnin'

It's time to crack the book again.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's Encyclopedia of Common Knowledge.

Location of the Weenus. A 'weenus' is a bone in this part of your
elbow. Isn't it Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? Because a lot of people have
told me that, but That Little Girl Over There doesn't believe me.
She'll believe you, because you're the teacher. So tell her, Mrs.
Hillbilly Mom, what a weenus is.

Free Money For Indians. All you have to do is go to an Indian
Reservation and tell them that you have Indian blood in you. They
will give you a check for $6000, and you will get one every month.
For doing nothing!

Standards of Modern Hillbilly Society. It is OK to think your
stepdad is hot, isn't it, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom? Oh! I'm so embarrased!
That's just eewww! What I meant to say was, It's OK to think
your stepbrother is hot, isn't it? We're only related by marriage,
not blood related. So there shouldn't be anything wrong with it.

Possession is 100% of the Law. Last night, this guy tried to steal
our electric poles. Yeah. The poles that hold electric lines. My
dad saw him out there and ran out and said, "What are you doing?"
and the guy tried to say that the electric company sent him to pick
them up. My dad took his keys and threw them and then punched
the guy's truck and left a big ol' dent in the side. That guy took off.
He can't take our poles. My dad's going to build a garage out of
them. He brought them home. The electric company said he could
have them.

I've Got The Fever. Last night, I was really sick. I had a fever of
one hundred and twelve. That's why I wasn't at school for three
days. What do you mean I would be dead? It was one hundred
and twelve. That's what it said on the thermometer: 101.2.

Where There's Burnt Smoke, There's Fire. Did you hear about
the fire in tech class yesterday? I walked in and smelled burnt
smoke. I thought it was from somebody in class before us, so I
went and started sanding this thing. I kept smelling burnt smoke,
so I quit. Then there was this fire, so I ran away, because I didn't
want to get blamed for it, since I was the last one using the
sander. I didn't set it. But somebody did!

Young Drivers Are Better Than Old Drivers. If two people are
going somewhere, the old person should let the young person
drive, because he's a better driver. Old people cause 30 % of
the accidents, because of slow driving, and running over little
things like cones in the road. Old people should get tested again
to keep their driver's license, starting each year at age 35.
If you see an old person driving, you should get off the road.
Especially if you value your life. People should be able to get
a driver's license before the age of 16. In Africa, 4-year-old
children drive, and they don't have any problems.

The Celebrated Jumping Tick of Calveras County. Ticks can jump.
That's how they get on you. Why do you say they don't? How do
you think you get them? They're not going to sit on a weed and
wait till you walk by! Who told you that? They could be there for
days and nobody would walk by. They sense heat, and come to
you and jump on you. How do you think they get up on your legs?
They jump. To get them out, you hold a match or lighter to them.
They don't like heat. It won't burn you...just the tick.

Always a Borrower and a Lender Be. Can I use your stapler?
I want to staple my pants together so they don't rip any more.
Do you have scissors? Can I use them? I want to take a Kleenex
and cut it up in little squares, smaller and smaller. Clean up? Can't
the janitor do that? Do you have a nickel? No, I don't want it for
free. I will give you five pennies for it. Can I buy a mechanical
pencil? Oh...you want the money for it? I thought I'd get a soda
today. I'll bring you the money on Monday. But I need the pencil
today. C'mon. You know I always pay you back. Hey! You
wouldn't loan ME a pencil! I know. But I only took ONE. That's
nothing, one pencil. Why won't you give me another one? Can I
use your tape? I need to put something up in my locker. Do you
have a safety pin? I don't want to get in trouble if my pants rip.
Yeah! I got in trouble just because my boxers were hanging out
the rip. Like I could help it that the rip kept getting bigger. Do you
have a band-aid? Cool. SpongeBob. Don't you have any air
freshener? It smells like old feet in here. Can I have a bottle of
water? I'm really thirsty. I don't like the water from the drinking
fountain. Do you have any gum? Do you have any cough drops?
You're almost out of Kleenexes. Can I borrow your eraser? Is
it the one that smells like watermelon? I don't know why you
have to find that hall pass. It's just a roll of tape. Like you can't
get another one. Do you have a Sharpie? A permanent marker
is too big. You need to get a Sharpie. Can I use your white-out?
I want to cover up this pink pen where that girl wrote on my
Nikes. Can I get some paper? Do you have any more of those
folders? The last one you gave me wore out.

Ahh...yes. Drink, my friends. Drink deeply from the fountain of
knowledge that you have been thirsting for.

If a sentence ends with a preposition, but nobody knows it's a
preposition, does it still make Hillbilly Mom look uneducated?

2 comments:

Redneck. Diva. said...

Oh. Wow. That last one made my head hurt. It reminds me of a 4 year old's train of thought!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
Stock up on the Benadryl, the all-purpose head-hurting-fixer-upper, according to DeadpanAnn's mama. This is what I hear every freakin' day. Though not all from one kid.