Saturday, September 30, 2006

HM Attracts Another Loony

I had a big ol' gripey 'Wal*Mart, The Devil's Playground' post
running through my head for this evening. It was all outlined and
spell-checked and jacked-up with some cool italics. But then I
pushed my cart (please ignore my boys' opinion that I use it as a
walker, not for carting merchandise) full of Halloween fun, food,
and cool-weather-clothing-that-fits-my-children out into the
parking lot.

I really must be more observant. I clicked open the airplane-hanger
door of my large SUV, and started fitting things in. It didn't help
that I had two coolers in there. We don't exactly live next door to
the Devil's Playground, you know. After stuffing in the last item,
a man appeared next to me and said, "I'll take that." I thought it
was the cart-return guy. But then I really looked at him, and he
was neither 16 nor 65 years of age. He was not wearing a blue
Wal*Mart vest. I was parked right next to a cart return thingy,
and it was full. The man pushed the cart about 3 feet for me. He
had long light-brown hair, about to his armpits. He wore a tan
T-shirt and jean shorts and work boots. He was smoking. I am
telling you all this because I memorized it for a police description.
Just in case.

The man stood for a moment, talking to me. "I'm waiting on my
brother. He went in just to get a bag of salad. We're having
lasagna tonight. Now he's been gone 30 minutes. He already
spent over $100. He's buying clothes!"

I told him there were some bargains in there. I, myself, bought a
couple of $5 shirts.

The man said, "Yeah. I got a pair of painter's shorts for $6. Then
I bought some vitamins. I can't believe I rode along with him to
get lettuce and it cost me $14."

I told him that wasn't too bad, that I sent my husband to the store
one time, and he spent $35 without getting ONE thing on the list
I gave him. With that, the man moved to the other side of the cart
return and leaned against his car. I'm guessing it was his brother's
car. I got in and closed my door, clicked on the seatbelt, and took
off. I am now finding this episode kind of creepy. Oh, it's not as
creepy as when Colleen was approached by that man when she
went birdwatching, but for me it's kind of creepy.

What is it with me doing the marketing that brings out the crazies?
Sure, this guy didn't follow me and touch my arm, declaring that I
was SO PRETTY, like that woman in the Save-A-Lot on New
Year's Day. But why did he approach me? I never carry my purse
in Wal*Mart. I leave it safely in the car (!) because there was a
rash of purse-grabbings in Wal*Mart parking lots a while back.
I know it's not my gorgeous looks. I just got a haircut a Great
Clips on Wednesday. And if that doesn't tell you enough, let me
elaborate. My lovely lady-mullet has now been fashioned into
a Prince Valiant do. Yeah. I'm smokin' hot, I am.

Methinks this man perhaps partook of the crystal meth. He looked
like Sam Elliott in that Mask movie, the one with Eric Stolz as that
big-headed freak and Cher as his druggie mom. What did he want?
To pass the time? To invite me to his gourmet meal of bagged salad
and lasagna? Maybe I should start wearing my wedding ring to
discourage people from coming up to me in stores and parking lots.
Or make sure my loud, annoying children are always with me.
Today was just a bit too creepy. I had even left my cell phone at
home. Not on purpose. Hillbilly Mom is getting senile. I had three
plastic swords in my card, for #2 son to choose for his Ninja
costume. I might have been able to defend myself with one of
them. Or I could have picked up my 12-roll pack of Charmin
Ultra with Aloe, and shouted, "I have the sh*ts! Stay back!"
I must be a Loony magnet. I must plan ahead for the next

Hillbilly Mom. Her pheromones are OH SO POWERFUL.


LanternLight said...

My lovely lady-mullet has now been fashioned into a Prince Valiant do.

Well there goes the milf theory then...

I must be a Loony magnet.

Oh surely not, oh SO PRETTY one :-)

Cazzie!!! said...

I lost my cell phone in a crowd of people at the Grandfinal PArade in Melbourne...I called it from a BOOST JUICE bar and a police woman answered it..thank goodness someone handed it wasn't the phone I worried about, yet I have so mnay pictures in it of the kids and stuff that I was upset to have lost it. I am going to download them all tomorrow onto a disc ...Phew.
Oh, pheromones...y'all mean them ones that make people all randy? Or even Randy randy? LOL

Hillbilly Mom said...

I suppose the 'milf' theory is based on the assumption that beauty is in eye of the...umm...'f'er.

Flattery will get you everywhere, Lantern. As my mother says OH SO TACTFULLY when she sees a bad haircut: "Don't worry honey. It will grow."

If I AM a Loony Magnet, that means that I, myself, am not a Loony. Because like forces repel each other, as any good ex-science-teacher knows.

I'm surprised that your cell phone was turned in. The opinion of the kids I work with everyday is: Finders Keepers! I left mine on the nightstand, where I NEVER put it. It's usually on the back of the couch, and I see it and shove it in my purse. We only have reception in certain parts of the Mansion. We are the poster family for "Can you hear me now?"

Yes. Pheromones. Like animal attraction. Who knew I emit such strong signals! But then again, it could be me just assuming that everything is ALL ABOUT ME, and those people had no interest in me at all.

Chickadee said...

Yea, that would have creeped me out too. I don't think I would have even let him help me with the cart. I get bitchy when strangers try to help me. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Glad you're okay. Oh yea, and people do get a certain look when they do the meth, don't they? Have you ever seen that billboard that has the picture of a person who has done meth? Ewww.

Cazzie!!! said...

Hell yeah, I too am surprised it was handed in, it has restored my faith in humanity..that is until some old biddy cuts me off on the road again without using indicators and THEN, THEN they toot their horn at ME!!! Yep, it is all about me then, LOL

deadpanann said...

Those things happen to me on occasion too. Just yesterday at the Pa Con festival, an old guy came and stood real close to me in the homemade ice cream line and started telling me stories about the customers at the store where he works.

Every time a stranger gets creepy or invades my personal space, I check to make sure my money and everything is still where I left it, just in case. I caught a guy with his hand in my coat pocket one time on Beale Street. There was nothing in it for him to steal except a pack of cigarettes, but it was an eye opener.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I actually wasn't paying attention. I just saw him out of the corner of my eye, and assumed he was a Wal*Mart cart-return person. That'll learn me to ASSume, I suppose.

I haven't seen the meth billboard, but we have a picture outside the nurse's office of a skanky woman who was right purty before she became meth's rough mistress.

I certainly hope the old biddy doesn't also show you her feet. Because I hear you are none too fond of the man-hooves.

Miss Ann,
I'm always suspicious of people who are too familiar. WHEN I'm paying attention. I now know not to walk over to a strange man in a car who slows down to ask if I know the time. Because I've "seen some things I didn't need to see", as my beloved Ozark Mountain Darevils sing.

Redneck Diva said...

"I have the sh*ts! Stay back!"

Omg, that one made me laugh out loud! But, I bet it'd make even the most persistent loony hightail it out of your personal space.

I attract them, too. Except usually they end up being "friends" and I don't discover they're loonies until I've already had them over to my home for dinner or something.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Don't you hate it when that happens?