Thursday, September 07, 2006

Crime Doesn't Pay

Today's happenings included the sight of two school-age boys
walking up Main Street, right in front of the school, around 12:45.
Umm...that is during school hours. They didn't belong in our building,
but calls were made to our other facilities, and we discovered that
they were indeed AWOL. Almost, because somebody had called
in their absences, but at this point the somebodies are still being
determined. Anyhoo, I only noticed that on accident because I
had to use the office copier because a cadet teacher was running
massive amounts of megacopies on BOTH copiers in the teacher
work room. Shortly after the call was made to the other schools,
I heard a police siren up the street. Yep. In this little town, the
coppers will nab any hooky-playin' hooligans for traipsing around
in broad daylight. I mean ALLEGED hooky-playin' hooligans. It's
possible that parents called in their absences. And like HH enjoys
saying, "It's possible a monkey might jump out my a$$, but I don't
look for it to happen anytime soon."

After school, we had to make a stop at Wal*Mart. Guess what?
They managed to piss me off again! I know, who woulda thunk
that? More on that later.

I gave the boys each a dollar while I was in line to check out. I
don't like to do that, because #1 son is too good at a certain race
car game, and I usually end up standing there with melting frozen
food while he finishes a game. Either he's good, or he strong-arms
younger children in the play room for more than a dollar. This time,
both boys promised to play a grabbing game-type thingy that does
not take long to eat their money.

After paying, with that blasted machine thingy messing up my pin
number on my debit card by counting each number twice, I saw
that #1 had a big orange stuffed tiger. He tossed it in the cart. He
asked for another dollar for each of them. "I almost had that dog,
but it got caught on the tiger, and all I won was the tiger. That
dog is just in the right place." Yeah. I'm a sucker for a begging
child. But I only gave them ONE dollar. See there. I can't be
completely manipulated. #1 put in the dollar, #2 moved the hook
thingy, and #1 adjusted it slightly. They grabbed that dog. That
boy is good at beating those money-stealing games. It only cost
me three dollars to get a dog and a tiger.

Oh...but you should have seen #2 son's face light up when #1
said he could have the dog. It was more like a bear with a dog's
head, dressed in overalls, with a little fishing hat. #2 hugged it.
He carried it up in the air, holding it by its stuffed armpits. He
tossed it and caught it like a doting father will do with a laughing
baby while the mother looks on in horror. He was practically
skipping out of the store. Even #1, his mortal enemy, had to
smile at his glee.

Even the greeter/goodbyer said, "It looks like somebody won
a dog!" Just then, that buttpainy shoplifter-catcher dinger thingy
went off. As WE pushed our cart through. So I stopped and
got out my receipt. I had only bought food, and 3 ink cartridges
for #1 son's printer. I told the lady, "We bought some cartridges."
She said, "I guarantee that's what it is." Because the last time I
checked, Wal*Mart didn't put those magnetic shoplifter-stoppers
on food. The greeter/goodbyer took the three cartridges back to
a register. When she returned, she held up the magenta one and
said, "This was it. No matter what we do, some of those won't
scan." Which I took to mean that they wouldn't be cleared of
their magnetic thingy, because we certainly did have it scanned
and paid for it, as she saw on the receipt. She wrote down
something in her little book, and gave me back the cartridges.
At least she was pleasant.

In the car, #1 made #2 cover his ears. He whispered, "I was
going to give that dog to my girlfriend, but he's so happy with
it, I can't take it away." Awww....that made me cry. He's never
that sweet.

And he gave him the tiger, too.

6 comments:

deadpanann said...

What sweet little hooligans you have! I can't wait to reproduce.

That has happened to me at Wal Mart a few times. When Tim and I first reunited last summer we used to meet in Jackson for weekends together. It was a good meeting place between my basement hellhole in north mississippi and where he lived, on the other end of the state. Anyway, these weekends involved a room at the Red Roof Inn and plenty of prophylactics, as I'm sure you could imagine but would probably prefer not to.
Moving on. You could probably predict how this story ends, huh?

Well we went through the door at Wal Mart and a sweet little old lady came up to go through our things. I instantly knew what MUST have set the alarm off, and my face turned four shades of fuck-me. I didn't like the idea of that sweet old lady knowing that I was about to go have premarital relations. She looked like someone I might hug in church on Sunday, during the "get up and walk around and hug people" part of the service.

The lady dug through, grabbed the box of condoms, and carried it back to the register. When I regained consciousness I saw her and the cashier laughing. LAUGHING! At our condoms!

That was a bit of a mood killer. I hate Wal Mart.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
Well, now. At first I thought "Oh, how cute. Tim won Ann a stuffed tiger and dog out of the claw-grabber machine thingy!" Then I read on.

One of my teaching buddies took her stepdaughter to Wal*Mart, and the next thing she knew, security had called her up front and dumped several boxes of condoms out of her purse. The stepdaughter, not the teaching buddy. She had to call the girl's mother and get things straightened out.

You might want to lay off those things if you want to have your own little hooligans.

MrsCoach2U said...

I've never figured out why they want to stop kids from stealing condoms, if they are stupid enough to steal----they should be protected when they have sex or there will just be another generation of losers!!!!!!

Tell #1 his girlfriend would probably have just stored the stuffed animal for years and then finally give it to her dog who carries it around like it's the long lost momma it remembered from a puppy. So his brother might as well have it........... Or at least that's what happened at my house. Old boyfriend used to give me gorillas (I'm not sure why) and I gave them to my dog, he loves his gorilla (that now smells like a real gorilla). Guess the jerk knew it would get good use sooner or later...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Mrs.,
This dog will smell like a gorilla soon enough, what with #2 son drooling on it every night.

#1 has had the same girlfriend for a whole YEAR! She has been after him since first grade, when she caught him on the playground and kissed him. He denies it now. He pretty much ignores her in public, but calls her every couple of weeks. It's quite the 6th grade romance. I can't wait until the Halloween dance, when he will pointedly ignore her all night, and she and her girlfriends will stalk him.

Redneck Diva said...

Awwwwwwwww! That's so sweet!

I've never been stopped at the beeper at W*M for condoms, but those durn ink cartridges will get me every time.

I just gotta say that the first order of business today is reading your blog and catching up - I have been out of the loop for too many days now!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
See what happens when you think ONLY OF YOURSELF, and go on a trip to Disney World! You snooze, you lose, gal! My blogs stops for nobody. One a day, whether people read them or not. No matter how boring, or how inane, or how insane, even. Welcome back. I felt like an arm was missing. Or a uniboob.