Notes To Self, Student Edition

I need to write a book to help kids outsmart us. Us. The enemy.
The MAN. Teachers. But because I am generally a lazy, lie-about,
do-nothing bum, I will just put it in note form.

Notes-To-Self For the Secondary Student

If I don't have a note to excuse my absence, it's probably not the
best idea to say that the office said they can't give me an absentee
slip until my mother calls. Cause the teacher has worked with the
people in this office for oh...I don't know...11 FREAKIN' YEARS,
and might know they don't handle it that way.

If I haven't turned in over half the work assigned in each class, it's
probably not the best idea to announce "My old school was a lot
easier than this one." Cause how much easier can it get than not
doing work?

If I throw a book on the floor to make a loud 'BANG', it's probably
not the best idea to tell the teacher that my book slid off my desk.
Cause she's like a freakin' CSI squad, and by the time her chalk
outlines and measurements and decibel studies and snide comments
each and every day are done, I will spill my guts and confess within
the first week.

If I plan to sneak into the game without paying, it's probably not the
best idea to parade back and for in front of the ticket-taker 5 times,
put my nose in the air, and keep walking when she says, "SOME-
body didn't pay." Oh, and I probably shouldn't wear that white hat
turned around backwards. Cause it makes me pretty easy to find in
the gym, what with a description and my name given to the principal.

If I skip the mandatory after-school tutoring, it's probably not the
best idea to run around the gym and snack bar. Cause the tutor will
turn me in absent, and then I will be noticed.

If I go to the game after tutoring, without paying, since I'm already
in the building, it's probably not the best idea to scuff my shoes on
the floor to make loud squeaky noises as I walk down the hall by
the ticket-taker. Cause that will get her attention, and she will notice
that I have not paid.

If I can't do long division, it's probably not the best idea to write
down the correct answers without showing any work. Cause that
raises the ol' 'I am using a calculator when I know they're not
allowed' flag.

If I really like a girl in my class, it's probably not the best idea to
tell her, "Your teeth are yellow. They look like corn." when she is
discussing braces with a classmate. Cause that makes her kind of
mad at me.

But HM, you say, that's not enough for a book! Au contraire,
people. That is only from ONE day. By the end of the year, I'll
have a million of 'em. Perhaps not a million. But 1106, which is
7 per day times the 158 school days remaining (HEY! School
is almost out!), not counting the book-slamming one, because
it was from earlier in the year. I'm a math teacher now, y'know!
Perhaps that can explain my poor sentence structure. Do as I
say, kids, not as I do.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. I'm hoping for a fresh
new basket of notes-to-self.