Friday, February 09, 2007

The One Where HM Offends The Catholics, The Baptists, And The Mathematically Challenged

Ho hum. I didn't make the top 20 finalists in the Design-Your-
Own Lottery Ticket Contest. All it cost me was a piece of paper,
an envelope, and a stamp. It was cheaper than buying a lottery
ticket, actually. Don't worry, I'm not depressed.

I'm Even Steven, you know. I showed up for my 4th hour class
and found out they were having an incentive hour. WooHoo! A
free 50 minutes for moi!

Tomorrow night, I am playing in another Trivia Contest. One of
my new team members asked me. So what if I was the last one
he asked? He said I was the 'Queen of Trivia'. I will follow him
anywhere. Even to a neighboring town's Catholic Church. That
is where the Trivia is being held. Not in the church itself, I think,
but in the wild party lounge next to it. Or whatever they call
those thingies. I am not much on religion. Have I told you that?
But I know they are selling beer at this Trivia, so we can not
have our ringer, our sports genius, because he is not 21. That
tender baby-faced sports maven can not play. I'm waiting for
my Even Steven bonus to appear.

Like I said, I don't know much about religion, being raised as
a Baptist. A First Baptist. My parents didn't go to church. My
grandparents took me. I learned enough to know a slim bit of
Bible trivia. At least I'm not as dumb as Bart Simpson when
he spent the night with the Flanders, and played Bible Trivial
Pursuit with Rod and Todd. I'm thinking he didn't know who
'Jesus' was. Anyhoo...I know that the First Baptists would
not have sold beer at a Trivia Contest. HH says the drunkest
he ever got was at this church where the Trivia is being held.
At his wedding, I think. Oh, not his wedding to me! Oh my,
no! Ours was at a United Methodist Church. It burned down.
I refuse to take responsibility. Though I did tell #1 son that I
could possibly be struck by lightning when I walk into the
Catholic Church. I mean 'party central' annex. Goodness.
Am I done insulting a religion yet? Sorry, Mabel. I plead
ignorance.

Mabel gave me a birthday card today. It is musical. It plays
'Shake Your Groove Thing' when you open it. On the front,
it says "As long as you can shake it without breakin' it..." open:
"you're nowhere close to old." Heh heh. Mabel is the Thelma
to my Louise. Which means that I am not riding anywhere with
her in a convertible. Not even if she promises to pick up Brad Pitt
as a hitchhiker. Thanks, Mabes. I'll be shakin' it at the Catholic
Church disco tomorrow night. Gosh! Maybe they'll offer some
type of gambling, too! Sorry. I'm ignorant.

In my free 50 minutes today, I took an online practice Praxis
test. That's a test for teacher knowledge in the subject area. It
wasn't a real Praxis. It was on some free website that wanted
to sell me Praxis practice materials. Say that 10 times fast. I
command you. Then switch to New Blogger. And cluck like
a chicken. You are feeling verrry sleepy. When I clap my hands,
you will awake and not remember any of this. But every time
you hear 'Shake Your Groove Thing', you will lay an egg.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The test thingy. I took an
Algebra test, and got 19 out of 20 right. That's 95%. Then I took
an Advanced Algebra, and only got 10 out of 14. Only 71%. So
what? I bet I did better than you guys would have--Mabel not
included. See, I have a problem, and about 5 questions on this
test were it. "Sally can build a house in 4 days. Dave can build a
house in 2 days. Quinn can build a house in 6 days. If they all
work together, how long will it take to build a house?" Hmpf!
I know that if they work for a day, that overachieving Dave will
have built half the house already. And Sally will have built 1/4 of
a house. And Quinn, that layabout slacker, will have built 1/6 of
a house. So we have 11/12 of it completed already. But my
choices were too close to pick the most reasonable answer.
Aren't you glad I'm teaching Math to kids that aren't yours?

I used to always have trouble with unit multipliers, but after 3
years of asking Mabel, I learned 'em right good. Now all I have
trouble with is slope. I remember that I have to rise before I can
run, Mabel, but thank the Gummi Mary I haven't had any kids
in Algebra I for a couple of years. And I don't think any of my
kids this year are getting that far in Algebra A or B. My mind is
a terrible thing to waste.

Actually, my mind is just a terrible thing.

But I am still Queen of Trivia. I might make myself a crown.
I cooked up a plan where I walk into this big Catholic Church
Beer Bust/Trivia thingy, and sit down with the opponents from
our school. As they look at me oddly, I will say, "Didn't So-
and-So tell you they invited me to play on your team?" As they
look at each other over my head, in a panic, I will add, "And
at the break, I will bring in my clarinet and play 'America The
Beautiful' for you while I sing it, too. I am kind of a clarinet-
playing ventriloquist."

That should shake 'em up enough to gain us 5 points, methinks.

5 comments:

Chickadee said...

LOL! You're so wacky. Them Catholics shouldn't be pointing fingers you know. They sell beer and promote gamblin' at those bingo functions. There are some hardcore Catholics out there yet who believe that birthcontrol is wrong...like the pill and condoms...but yet they believe in the "natural rhythm method"...isn't that a form of birthcontrol, though an ineffective method.

Good luck with the Trivia..may you win it big!

deadpanann said...

I was raised in a Baptist church too. They would not let us get married there or have our reception there if any alcohol was going to be served. We didn't want to serve it anyway because most of the people there wouldn't have drank it, but still. Wine at a wedding doesn't seem unholy to me, even for a Baptist.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Chick,
If they're pointing fingers at me, I'm sure they're just laughing at me, thinking of my social security number of '1'.

Miss Ann,
My grandpa was a Baptist, and he grew grapes and made his own wine. He also swore that schnapps was good for a cold. Of course, he didn't do it at church.

Stewed Hamm said...

The answer to your house-building question is "Anywhere from three to four months." Because that's how long it will take that control-freak Dave to regain the use of his hand after that bitch Cynthia nail-guns him for telling her what to do.
Quinn? Feh, he was just hanging out in the alley behind the construction site somking pot with his stoner buddies.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Stewdentofthemonth,
Your scenario is plausible. Because you have used your powers of reason, and explained your answer, and did not leave any unsightly erasure marks...you receive all points possible. Such is the way of the MAP test.