Sunday, February 18, 2007

Encyclopedia Of Common Knowledge

Years ago, SNL had a fake game show based on common
knowledge. Even though the contestants gave the correct answer,
they were wrong if it was not the 'common knowlege' answer.
According to the rules, Answers for Common Knowledge are
determined by a nationwide survey of 17-year-old high school
seniors. Example: the author of A Christmas Carol...Ebenezer
Scrooge. The author of Huckleberry Finn...Tom Sawyer. The
Louisiana Purchase was obtained from the country of...Louisiana.
The capital of Washington is...Washington, D.C.

Through my many years of working with students who love to
spout off their common knowledge, I am ready to write my own
reference book. Here are some exerpts. I shall call it:

Hillbilly Mom's Encyclopedia of Common Knowlege

Surviving A Car Crash. As long as you go limp, you will be fine.
That's why drunks are always OK in a car crash. If you wear
a seat belt, you can be trapped in the car and die. If you brace
yourself, you will break bones. As soon as you see there is going
to be a crash, go limp. You won't be injured. You may even be
thrown clear of the accident.

The Myth of Surface Tension. You can fall from any height and
be safe, as long as you land in water. Water is soft. You can
shoot into it, too. It's a bunch of bull that a bullet can riccochet
off the top of the water. People who actually hunt and know
how to use guns do it all the time. It's kind of funny that someone
would think the bullet can bounce off the water. Water is soft.

Holding in a Fart Will Kill You. If you have to fart, don't hold it
in. The gas will build up in your intestines and cause them to
explode, and then you will puff up and get an infection and die.
So always fart whenever you have the urge, or you will die.

Bullets Shot Into the Sky Are Exempt From Gravity. It is perfectly
OK to shoot your gun in the air on New Years Eve. The bullet
goes into the air. It won't fall on someone. And even if it did, it
is just falling, not being shot at them. Ha, ha. That's pretty funny
that someone would think a bullet could fall and kill them.

More Hair Grows Back If You Shave It. Don't shave your arms,
because more hair will grow back. You will have, like, a beard
on your arms. More hair will grow in its place. So leave your
arm hair alone. Same with your legs. It will look like a forest if
you shave it and it grows back.

Hate Words Can't Hurt People If They Don't Hear Them. It's
OK to say N*gg*r and J*w and M*x*c*n and G*y and F*g
around our town, because there aren't any of those people to
hear it. Like the classroom, for example. None of us are like
that, so who is it hurting? It's stupid that we can't talk like that.
But if some of them are around, don't say it, because there might
be trouble. Or you can say it, as long as you're not afraid of them.

Kids Are Expert Agents of Espionage. Only kids know what's
really going on. Adults are too stupid. They have never taken
drugs or been drunk or had sex or known anybody who breaks
the law. Adults are so stupid, it's a wonder they can live through
each day. If they only knew the things kids know...

The South Won the Civil War. That's why so many people like
to fly the Confederate Flag, and put it on their truck windows,
and on their caps. Why would anyone do that if they lost?

The Flu Shot Will Give You the Flu. Everybody who has ever
gotten a flu shot gets the flu from it. They will never get another
flu shot, that's for sure.

The Shocking Truth About Pearl Harbor. It's when the Chinese
bombed the Japanese at Pearl Harbor, Japan. That's what the
library book said, you know.

The Harry Potter Books Promote Devil-Worship. Nobody who
says this read them, and nobody in their family has read them, but
it's true because somone's mom saw it on TV.

The Blair Witch Project Was Based On a True Story. All kids
plan on going there to check it out when old enough to drive.
Where was it, anyway?

The Most Popular Vacation Destination Is Amsterdam. When
kids graduate, they're going there. (It doesn't matter that they are
in 11th grade and have 3 credits and need 24 to graduate, and
don't know what they're going to do for a living. Probably be an
underwater welder with the Navy, because those guys make a lot
of money. Of course they can afford to go to Amsterdam. Can
you show them where is it, exactly, on the map?) Adults are so
stupid they have never heard of what goes on in Amsterdam.
They have no idea why kids would want to go there. It's like,
the best kept secret ever, next to '4/20'.

Rules of Division. When the question says '2 divided by 100',
it means the 2 goes on the outside of that little house thingy, and
the 100 goes inside. The answer is '50'. That's easy.

The World Is The 10th Grade Boy's Oyster. He knows all there
is to know about life. The Hooter's girls love him, even though
he can barely afford a soda there, and has never heard of tipping.
He doesn't have a girlfriend, yet is an authority on sex because he
knows who John Holmes is. He does not have a driver's license,
but knows the best car, and how to take it apart and put it back
together. He already has a job lined up for when he graduates,
making $30 per hour. He really doesn't need school, but attends
because his mom wants him to graduate. His future wife will not
work, and he will never send his kids to daycare. The kids will be
geniuses, and they sure won't be going to this school. His wife will
be hot, like a model in those motorcycle magazines. In his spare
time, between trips to Amsterdam, he will have his own TV show,
like Bam Margera.

I will leave you to digest this serving of common knowledge. If it
stays down, there may be more feasts in the future.


Cazzie!!! said...

I am PMSL, all of your common knowledge thingies are just so damned true!!! And yes, kids are smarter than they say.
You will have fun teaching science, my favourite subject as it was.

Chickadee said...

LOL! Yea, I've heard the dying from holding in a fart thing...from older people! Umm, no, think about it people!

And what is it with kids and their excessive use of the words "g%y" and "f&g"??? My classmates in grade school said it too...and I went to school a long time ago.

Stacy said...

You'd probably do really well on that new show Fox is starting in a couple of weeks..."Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" or something to that effect.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I have learned from the masters of common knowledge. Why, just this morning, I learned that scars are not permanent. Neosporin removes them, you know.

I think it's kind of like how you can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Something's gotta give after so long...

Yeah, these kids always say, "That is SO G*Y!" They don't seem to see anything wrong with it. They haven't gotten the politically incorrect memo down here in the sticks.

I'm so flattered. I think. I'm confident I could wipe the floor with those 5th graders. In a non-abusive kind of way.

Good job on the Amazing Race recap! I love that show. I'm ready for the baldies to have a flat tire every week. They are whiney whiners of the most whiney kind.

Stewed Hamm said...

The Mexicans could probably use a "heads up" on this. I bet they didn't realize the name of their country was hate speech. Boy will their faces be red... ish.

And the word "Jew" is bad now? I'll let all my Jewish friends know that, so they can change the prayers they've been saying for the last couple thousand years...

Hillbilly Mom said...

It has come to the point now where schools must punish any behavior that could be seen as discriminatory. So when they call each other these things, it is considered a violation of the discipline policy.

It's not like the kids are sipping tea, eating cucumber sandwiches, and having high-brow discussions of how people must strive to be more like those hard-working Mexicans, who risk bodily harm crossing into the U.S. each day to earn an honest living doing jobs the methheads don't want, or "I wish the school would schedule a symposium on Jewish Studies, because I would really enjoy learning more about other cultures."

It's like a zero tolerance thingy, like when a nine-year-old brings a plastic knife in her lunch bag to cut up her chicken that her mother lovingly cooked for her to avoid the high-fat, high-salt school lunches, and is expelled for violating the weapons policy. Like a six-year-old with pair of nail clippers.