Dear Hillbilly Mom

Since I was off today, I have too much time on my hands. Too
much time to think of things to do that are not folding laundry,
cleaning the kitchen, or working on the 1040.

Which means...it's time for some more hijinx with Hillbilly Mom's
keyword searches! Are some people just plain stupid? Why are
they looking for these things? Can't they write to Ann Landers
if they are too dumb to figure stuff out? Because apparently,
they can't, I shall be her proxy. I will provide them with answers
so they can get back to their messed-up lives. Here goes...

help i've got no panties...They sell them at The Devil's Playround.
You might know it as 'Wal*Mart'. If you don't have money, you
can stand out front with a can and collect some some.

gummi spanking pain...Why are you spanking gummis? They
have no nerve endings. At least I hope they don't, ever since
that student ate the Gummi Virgin Mary while I watched.

ingrown nostril...What's this? Is it a blowhole? I don't know what
an ingrown nostril would look like, but I'm betting it's not pretty.

vomit cleaning mink coat...Wow! This must be like the 'Roomba',
but with more class. Is it sold in the Neiman Marcus catalog?

backwoods hillbilly yards...Yeah, I bet these are OH SO
DIFFERENT from the urban hillbilly yards.

does roadkill spoil taste of venison...WHY are you adding roadkill
to your venison? They are two separate meals!

valium before vasectomy...Perhaps you should try the valium
after the vasectomy. Just sayin'...

mucinex claustrophobia...What? It doesn't like to stay in that little
bottle? Who knew? And how did they know?

hannah montana having her boobs sucked...That's kind of a
titillating subject to be searching for, don't you think?

sissy stirrup-pants...Sorry. I am only an authority on the masculine
stirrup pants.

yellow mucous one nostril...Is this your Indian (ahem..Native
American) name? Is your other nostril ingrown?

hog sayings...OK, here's a few. "Man, I was really makin' some
bacon last night!" "I ate too much. I feel like a fat hog." "Close
your mouth when you chew. You sound like a pig."

itchy hands and forearms cefzil...Don't try to market this. I think
you will find that the regular cefzil sells much better.

ishotmyself big blogspot beach party...This party doesn't sound
like much fun to me.

i fell pretty oh so pretty...Oh yeah? Well I don't care if you scored
a perfect 10.0, you still fell, you clumsy freak. Walk much? Have
a nice trip, see you next fall.

sissified husbands...What about them? Do you have one? Do you
want one? Do you mean in the 'Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual'
way, or the 'he might be gay' way? I know--buy him some sissy
stirrup pants. That should make him happy.

why has two scavengers in a truck got any punctuation...Because
we live in a civilized world, you cretin, where people use proper
punctuation and grammar. Word of which has apparently not
reached you yet, in your big cardboard box under the railroad
trestle.

dry lungs dry unproductive cough spray paint...Again, people.
Do not try to market this product. The regular spray paint will
be a better seller. Trust me.

That's it for the advice column today. I know you are thirsty for
more, but that's how it goes here at the Mansion.