Sunday, February 11, 2007

HM Can't Find The Catholics

And now, for something completely different. GOTCHA! It's
really just more of the same. Since the masses (Colleen, the one
and only reader who asked about it) are clamoring for the results
of the Trivia Contest, I will gladly give you an update.

To begin with, that goshdarn Catholic Church is a hard nut to
crack, by cracky! I arrived at 6:00, and went to where I thought
it would be, what with HH giving me the directions. Silly me!
I forgot the part about HH saying that place was the drunkest
he ever was. Methinks his alcohol-addled brain did not register
some important details. I knew where the Church itself was. I
pulled into the parking lot to see what developed. I knew by
the cars that this was not the Trivia crowd, it was the Mass crowd.
They left, and I did not see very many cars remaining. Only 3 cars
pulled in, and some Trivia-looking people got out with some
Wal-Mart bags, and went in. I could not see exactly where they
went in, because the giant white SUV with a local carpet company
logo parked right beside me with the engine running and a child
jumping in ever 45 seconds and slamming the door was blocking
my view. And the red SUV that pulled in behind it kept me from
backing out and cruising the neighborhood on my Trivia quest.

I called HH, and he kept yelling the exact same directions, as if
I was a foreigner, and repeating it louder would surely make me
understand. Turn left just past the drive-in restaurant, HH yelled,
and then park in the angled parking, and go in that door. Except
there was an abundance of angled parking, and it didn't look
like anyone was going in that door. Finally, the red SUV left, and
I backed out and drove around to the other side of the Church.

It was there that I hit the Church jackpot, because located on
that street was a Lutheran Church, and I suppose they were
having a Lutheran Mass or whatever the Lutherans call it, woohoo,
because now I have another religion to insult. There were cars all
up and down this block, and a parking lot that was nearly full, but
I managed to squeeze my Large SUV into a parking spot. From
there, I could read a building in front of me as saying it was some
such Lutheran outbuilding. So then I thought that I might have
invaded some Lutheran space, and they might have my LSUV
towed away when I came out, if indeed these other cars belonged
to Lutherans at their Mass thingy, and they all left while I was at
Trivia not drinking Catholic beer.

The longer I watched, the more uncertain I became. I was ready
to call it a night, and drive back home where there was no worry
of being caught in the crossfire of a Catholic-Lutheran Hatfield-
McCoy type feud. I called HH back, and he could not fathom
where I could possible be, even though I was just on the opposite
side from where he told me to go. HH kept telling me odd things
like "West" and "South" which meant absolutely nothing to me
because HELLO it was dark already, and I am not good with
directions except when I have the rising or setting sun as a
reference point. THEN I saw a few cars arrive and fill in the
remaining spots in the suspected Lutheran lot. OK. Old people
got out. Not people like me, who I see playing Trivia. Like an
old woman in a wheelchair. And a great-grandparent-looking
couple. So in further insulting the Catholics, I had to determine
whether these Catholics are a bunch of swingin' oldies who are
game for anything in their latter years, or if perhaps they just
age more rapidly, and were only my age after all. Oh, and these
people were carrying two or three trays of food apiece! So
then I figured it was probably just a Catholic Church social or
some such thingy, like a pot-luck dinner, or a wedding rehearsal
dinner, and if I went in, I would be crashing the party, and might
be chased out by a mob with flaming torches.

By now, it was about 6:40, so I decided I had to investigate.
As I crossed the street to a nondescript little building with a
light on, a woman stopped her SUV to wave me across. She
leaned out the window, "Is this the Catholic Church Trivia?"
I told her I didn't know, but I was going to find out. A young
man waiting out front assured me it WAS the Trivia. I went
in, found an open door, and walked into a gym filled with
about 300 people. I asked a lady near the door if she knew
where my team was, and she consulted a master chart, like
a blueprint for the atomic bomb. "Second row, third table.
There he is, waving at you," she said. Whew! That was a
relief! Only half of my team was there so far. But the rest
of the county seemed to have arrived.

Those Catholics sure know how to throw a Trivia Contest!
There were 37 freakin' teams, people! With 8 members on
each team. Great Googly Moogley! It was a busy, busy place.
Words can not describe it. But that hasn't stopped me yet.
I saw my boys' doctor, in a bright blue Hawaiian shirt, drinking
a bottle of beer, and hugging another professional-looking dude
in a Jamaican kind of Rastafarian striped knit hat with fake
dreadlocks attached, in an 'I love ya, man!" way like those old
beer commercials. His wife the doctor was not there. I guess
she had to stay home with the kids, if they have any, or else she
might have been outside fending off the Lutherans who were no
doubt beating our cars to smithereens in their parking lot.

I saw a woman in a bass hat. Which was like a khaki-colored
cap with the head of a bass sticking out the front, and the
tail sticking out the back. People had coolers, and bottles of
wine, and mixers, and every kind of alcohol you could imagine,
and were also getting free styrofoam cups of beer from the
Catholics in charge. The din of happy drinking people was nye
to deafening. Each table had eight folding chairs and eight green
notepads and eight green pencils (is green the designated color
for Catholic Beer-Serving Trivia Contests?) and answer sheets
and envelopes to enter names for door prizes, and popcorn and
pretzels and a table number. We were 26.

Our team had snacks that we brought: Chex Mix, chocolate chip
cookies, and a cheese/sausage/cracker tray. Though I will say,
5 members did not bring anything. But that is another story. I will
have to continue tomorrow.

Fished in! Thought you were going to hear the score tonight, didn't
you? Please remember...there were 37 teams. Tune in tomorrow
for some questions, some hijinks, some b*tchin', and the score.

Please. Join Colleen in reading this trivial tale. You know what they
say: 'Misery loves company.'

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