Saturday, February 03, 2007

Gambling: It's Not Just For Derelicts Anymore

Subtitled: The Even Steven Family Goes To The Casino.

The evening started with a trip to Pizza Hut on the way to the city.
That way we could miss rush hour traffic. And have some tasty
pizza. They had a special on a large pan pizza of any kind. $10.
After the waiter took the order, a waitress brought out some
breadsticks. HH and I looked at each other. The kids were
playing Galaga or some such video game. We did not order
any breadsticks. HH told the waiter, "These aren't ours." He
replied, "They are now. It's going to take a while for the pizza."
OK. Free breadsticks.

Upon arrival at Harrah's, we spent 25 minutes circling the
parking garage, stalking pedestrians. We finally got a spot
from a woman and a baby. What the baby was doing at the
casino, I don't know. We checked in. HH took off to gamble.
#2 son ordered the interactive games on the TV for $10 for
a two-hour session. That was at 7:45. At 8:00, he said it
wouldn't work. #1 son, maven of all things electronic, tested
the remote and pronounced it to be not working. It worked
for the channels, but not for the power, or the menu, which
you had to be in to get the games. I told him to call the front
desk. They put him on hold. I was talking to my mom about
her FAT RED PINKY FINGER on the cell phone. At 8:10,
I asked #1 what was going on. "Oh, I'm on hold. She said
she'd check on it and call me back." I told him to hang up
and call back. This time, the minute a guy answere the phone,
he said, "Can you hold, please?" and put #1 on hold again.
At 8:25, I told him to quit holding and call back. The guy
said, "Oh. I'm in the back now. I can check on it." #1 told
him that he'd already been on hold for 25 minutes, and that
his little brother had ordered 2 hours of games that he was
only able to play for 15 minutes. They guy asked him to
hold on. #1 said no, to call him back when it was fixed.
That boy is kinda handy sometimes. Anyhoo...the desk
guy called back at 8:30 and said he reset it. Yep. To play,
you had to order it again. I called HH and told him the issue,
and that he'd better complain tomorrow if they charged for
two 2-hour session, one starting at 7:45, and one starting
at 8:30. He's good at b*tching. Even better than me.

HH returned to the room, and I left for the night. Well, until
2:15 a.m. I was breaking even until around midnight. Then
things went downhill to the tune of $40. I told myself, "I'll
think about it tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." I also
vowed that I would never go hungry again, but it didn't have
much dramatic impact, what with no technicolor sunset or
bunch of moldy carrots.

#2 son was coughing up a lung, so I gave him some Tylenol
and put him back to bed. HH snored to wake the dead. He
looked like Homer Simpson in the light of the partially-closed
bathroom door. I finally fell asleep from 3:30 to 5:30, then
snuck in another hour of ZZZZZZs for good measure. We
all arose by 7:30 to go to breakfast, which is a tale in itself.

We walked up to the counter to pay for the buffet, and the
foreignish woman said, "That is $63." Myself, I would have
said, "The H*LL you say!" and told her we didn't want it.
HH paid. She explained, "It is the champagne brunch." Hmm..
We found some food and sat down. For a place that opened
at 7:30, they didn't have much of the stuff laid out. HH told
the #2 son: "You're going to EAT!" We knew #1 would fill
some plates. So...a half hour went by. HH was fuming. "I
don't see anybody drinking champagne. But they sure can
charge for it." I explained that at Ameristar, they had Mimosas,
in tall stemmed glasses. He looked all around. He asked the
waitress. "Oh, we can't serve it until 8:00." It was now 8:10.
We were burnin' gambling time. HH told her he wanted some.

I went to stand in line at the waffle maker. #1 watched the
waffle maker leave her post to carve a giant ham haunch.
"Eewww, Mom. How can people eat that? They're cooking
it under the heat lamp. It's steaming!" Perhaps we should
take the children out more. He went back to the table. When
I got there, HH had two glasses of champagne. I use the term
loosely, glasses. They were those plastic thingies that people
use and throw away on New Year's Eve. One was already
empty. In the next 20 minutes, HH had 6 glasses. #1 son
said, "I like how he does it, Mom. He tells her, 'Yes, we'd
like some more,' then he chugs one and puts the empty glass
in front of your plate." That's my HH.

#2 son kept using the paper napkins to blow his nose. He had
a small collection of them on the table against the wall. The
waitress came and took his plate. #1 said, "Did you see her
give his Kleenex pile the evil eye?" I told him, "For the price
your dad paid for this breakfast, I don't care if he squats in
the middle of the floor and takes a poop." Which is perhaps
not the classiest thing to say, but I made my point. HH was
fuming about how the boys had to pay the same price. I know
that a casino is not expected to have a kids' menu, but that
does seem silly, to charge the same price for children who will
not be drinking champagne. Though HH tried to get #1 to
try it. "The reason I don't smoke, boy, is because some guys
made me smoke a whole cigar when I was a kid. I was green
for THREE days!" I suppose he meant for #1 never to drink,
but methinks there might have been a spot of trouble if he
was observed force-feeding champagne to a child. I've heard
that there might even be cameras in those casino places!
I told him not to be ridiculous, that all he had to do was tell
the staff that he wanted his boys' champagne that they paid
for but didn't get to drink. In a to-go cup. Or even a couple
of bottles. I'm surprised he didn't try it.

My morning session was more productive. I should have
stopped after the first 30 minutes, when I was $90 ahead.
But noooo. I didn't heed my own advice. I didn't want to
stop so soon, what with all the trouble we went though for
this outing. I finished $30 ahead, but with last night's losses,
that left me $10 under. Even so, I had a good time. And
the desk clerk took off BOTH game session charges from
our bill, after HH complained. What with that, the discounted
room, and the free breadsticks last night, we were able to
absorb the cost of the breakfast. And a couple bottles of
champagne. It added up to a weekend of Even Stevenly fun.

The End. (I'm off to Trivia)
Hillbilly Mom, living life in the fast lane.


Cazzie!!! said...,,21161476-2862,00.html

Check it, a small article with acompanying photo to boot. THIS truly is what our kids all need for Christmas, talk about living life in the fast lane :(
My Sarah began school here this last week, I have put pics on for everyone to see if you want to see my blog :) I am so wrapt she has an awesome teacher. So do my boys too.

Stewed Hamm said...

Without question, HM's throwing outrageous parties - yet due to HH's skills at bitching, she's managing to skip out on the heavenly bills.
Life in the fast lane, indeed. ^_^

Hillbilly Mom said...

Great Googley Moogley! Where was this thing when I was a kid?

And the problem with that is...?