A Look Inside

fun games battle of the teachers

Somebody searched for that string of words, and my little Mansion
popped up. It was a while back, but it's been on my cerebral back
burner. I could stage a good "Battle of the Teachers" contest. Like
"Battle of the Network Stars". Oh, my. Don't think I've actually
watched such a show. A dainty thing like me, barely 21, fresh as
dew on a daisy. But I've heard about a show like that.

Hmm...what events can I include for my Battle? Let's pitch a few...

Ultimate Copier Possession.
The object of this game is to keep the copier away from others for
as long as possible. There are several variations. You can run to
the machine the instant all faculty are dismissed from the meeting
in August, and run all copies you will need for the year. You can
arrive at 7:30 a.m. and begin copying your 500 student copies of
War and Peace, douple-sided, making sure they are collated and
stapled. You can commandeer two, count 'em, TWO cadet
teachers, and send them to the copiers during the school day,
when you are stationed in your classroom. This way, they can
tie up both the copier in the teacher workroom, AND the copier
in the office. Bonus points for leaving all paper trays empty.

King of the Space
The goal is to take another faculty member's parking spot. This
will only work if the parking spots are not designated. Since
teachers are creatures of habit, you can find out the unofficial
parking heirarchy within about one week. Next, choose the
person who has worked at your school the longest. Observe.
Start getting to school about 5 minutes before that teacher.
Park in his spot. It doesn't matter if it is way down the line in
Outer Parkinglottia. It doesn't matter if your classroom is
entirely on another side of the building. Park in that old fogey's
spot. Do it secretly. No crowing. If he gets there before you,
park right next to him. Close. The winner is the usurper who
makes the veteran blow his stack the soonest.

Help Yourself
The idea behind this event is that whatever your neighbor has,
you have a claim to it. Need a cable to connect your VCR to
your TV? Shop at Ye Olde Neighbor's Classroom Boutique.
Oh, you don't want to bother him. Get whatever you need
after he leaves for the day. Or pop in quickly when he runs
up to the teacher workroom to check his mail. Why, he might
not even need that Epileptic-Seizure-Sensing-Dog for weeks!
And your kids will have so much fun playing with him. Need
a doorstop? They're yours for the picking. Enlist a student to
kick it out into the hall after class, and others to soccer it along
to your classroom. Write your name on it quickly, before he
can lay claim to it. The winner is the one who gathers the most
stuff in the course of the school year.

Captive-Audience Unintentional Stand-Up Comedy Act
All performances must be held at the teacher lunch table.
This may be in the teachers' workroom, or in the cafeteria.
Past winners have included the following routines:

"I can't help it. Every day, someone writes it on the board
right behind my chair. I have tried and tried to catch them, but
I never see anyone go back there. I don't know if they're doing
it as a joke, or if it's malicious."
"What does it say?"
"F*ck me."


"Well, it looks like you're going to be the only man on this
building's faculty next year. You'll be in Hog Heaven."
Slow look around the table. "You've got THAT right."


"And they won't keep their hands to themselves. They are always
poking and picking at each other when they come into the room,
and then one of them gets mad and wants to fight. So I told them,
'Boys, will you please stop fingering each other?' And they
laughed. What's so funny about that?"



"You know how she has that little bitty arm? Well, I was walking
down the hall, and she came out of the bathroom, and she had
a big streamer of toilet paper tucked into her pants, and I got to
thinking, 'How does she wipe with that little bitty arm?'"


Hide the Wastebasket
The object of this contest is to chose a high-strung teacher, and
take turns kidnapping his wastebasket. You must hide it in your
own classroom. You may put it in place of your own wastebasket.
You may put it under your desk, or in a cabinet, or inside your
own wastebasket. But it the HST finds it, you have to give it back.
The winner is the one who makes the teacher flip out. It's kind of
like a game of Hot Potato. You never know when he'll blow, but
it is sure to happen.

Rude-Writing Rascals
Choose a partner to sit with at a faculty meeting. Make sure you
have brought extra paper, and a Pilot pen, one of those that the
ink just flows out of effortlessly and silently, the red, blue, green
and black ones in a 4-pack at Wal*Mart. Write scathing notes
about your cronies and slide them to your partner. Be discrete.
Do not get caught. Nod knowingly when the speaker looks your
way. Ask a couple of pertinent questions. The goal is to make
others glare at you unapprovingly, and to get your partner in
trouble for laughing and being unprofessional. Be ready to eat
the evidence if your witticisms are discovered. Bonus points for
making your partner shake, cry silent tears of mirth, or pee her
pants.


That is by no means all of the events, but it is enough for tonight.

Disclaimer:
Examples are not necessarily based on real people or events, and even if they were,
I have worked at so many schools that they can not be designated to my current place
of employment.