Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Stalking the Elusive Influenza Vaccine

Well, now. I was hoping for some sympathy after I reported that I
had been shot yesterday. But NO! No sympathy for Hillbilly Mom!
I have reached a disturbing conclusion. Y'all are JEALOUS of my
flu shot! Yep. That's all it could be.

Sure, we ALL want to pay $30 to have a disease-riddled needle
speared into our muscle tissue. But only a few of us who are covered
by two insurance companies are allowed this privilege. Don't beg me,
now. I am not letting y'all pretend to be me so you can experience it
for yourselves. Aunt Polly is mighty particular about who I let
impersonate me for overpriced medical procedures.

I am not pointing any fingers. My shot-arm is too sore for that. It has
a lovely red ring around the needle site, too. But I digress...Don't
think I am picking on the commenters. They have not told me anything
that regular people haven't told me over the years.

What are we, a nation of lily-livered pansies who are afraid of a
pointy little needle? Where would we be if people down through the
ages had refused vaccinations? DEAD, I tell you! Don't you think
those people who died in the great flu pandemic of 1918 are wishin'
they had a vaccine back then? Oh, I guess not, because THEY ARE
FREAKIN' DEAD!

What if we older generations had refused the polio vaccine? Y'all
young whippersnappers would be lounging around in iron lungs,
twiddling your shriveled fingers, wishing you hadn't gone swimming
in the public pool last July. Sure, you don't have that unsightly round
scar on your deltoid. It's a mark of valor, by cracky! Because we
took the needle, you don't have to. Where's my thank you for
eradicating polio in your lifetime?

Oh, let's just forget this vaccination mumbo jumbo. Maybe when
someone gets the flu, we should just have a good ol' fashioned
bloodletting. Perhaps some leeches should draw out the poison.
Or we could put them all on an island with those Lepers. Surely
they are getting lonely, and need some new faces, new blood.
Hey, I hear that the Waverly Sanitorium is empty now. Those
darn TB patients finally moved out. IN PINE BOXES!

Gosh darn it, people! Does a shot of painkiller give you pain?
Nope. Does a shot of Old Grandad turn you into a crusty aged
man with white unruly eyebrows? Nope. Does a shot of B12
give you B12? Uhh...let's forget that last one.

This is not the Dark Ages. We have technology. A photograph
will not steal your soul. The television is not really full of tiny actors.
Live a little. Take that vaccine. It might just be good for you. By
' good for you ', I mean that you won't catch disease and spread
it to ME.

And you know by now, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!

9 comments:

LanternLight said...

Gee, judging by today's post, that flu shot must have side effects!

Who knew???

:-)

Stewed Hamm said...

Jeez HM, you get grumpy when Matlock's not on...

deadpanann said...

I see they have added a new ingredient that compels one to sing the praises of the flu shot, thus harnessing even MORE cash-bearing guinea pigs! NOT ME! NEVER!!!

:)

Hillbilly Mom-- Yes, I know that now that I've run my mouth off, I will nearly die of the flu this year. You can point at me and scream "See!? See!? Prepare the pine box!"

Stacy said...

My flu shot was free...maybe it's because I don't have skinny hillbilly arms?

Hillbilly Mom said...

Wow! You'd think I was talkin' politics or something!

Lantern,
Hmm...side effects...Mabel told me the same story this morning as she told me yesterday morning. Or am I just having a severe case of deja vu?


StewpendouslyignorantofHMsTVhabits,
Ewww! Matlock? I can't stand him. Or his previous alias as Sheriff Andy Taylor, either. My mother used to watch both those shows. I'm grumpy all the time. Because PEOPLE PISS ME OFF!


Miss Ann,
You mean now I can SING? That must be one of those side effects Lantern was talking about. And where can I get those guinea pig harnesses? I bet they'd make cute reindeer for my Santa Hamster sleigh.

I was about to excuse everybody for doubting the magnificent influenza vaccine, since perhaps as non-teachers, they don't grasp what it's like on the front lines of a snot brigade all winter. But YOU, Miss Ann, surely know of the creeping crud carried by these little microbe incubators! Have you lost all common sense, gal, just because you ain't a-teachin' at the moment?

When Tim orders that pine box, make sure he gets a reinforced one so that it can not be chewed to splinters like a certain garage door.


Stacy,
How'd you DO that? Once upon a time, I got a free tetanus booster at the County Health Department. But only because I tried to save a chipmunk from a cat by placing it on a tree limb, forgetting that umm, chipmunks are also called GROUND squirrels, and cats can climb trees. Just before one cat knocked him down and the other cat bit into him, as I was placing him on the limb, he had the nerve to sink his sharp rodent teeth into my finger. So I don't really count that free shot as a victory.

Redneck Diva said...

Yes, a shot of painkiller gives me pain - but only if it's morphine. I'm allergic to that. Just thought I'd be a smarta$$.

And for the record, I'm not afraid of a flu shot, I'm just choosing not to get one. Of course, you'll be screaming for them to prepare my pine box as well. Maybe Ann and I can have a double funeral.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Diva,
Indeed, make it a double pine box. You two can tell jokes for eternity.

Why can't you all do my bidding and get flu shots so my unvaccinated HH and boys don't catch it? I surely think this is a reasonable command! I am trying to get them shots, but, umm...they are elusive, you know.

And now I must get back to what I do every night, Diva...TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Chickadee said...

I'm getting my flu shot tomorrow. I am such a germaphobe this time of the year. I want to shriek at the ADULTS and children who cough and sneeze without covering their faces. What's the matter with you people???? COVER YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU SNEEZE AND COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH. How difficult is that to understand???

I'm a germaphobe this time of the year and I obsessively/compulsively wash my hands 20x a day. I don't know how you can work with all of those walking and talking incubators of sickness everyday.

My blog stuff and the computer is still down. Sigh. I miss getting on hte computer and reading on a regular basis. But I"m still here Hillbilly Momma and I'm glad you got your shot!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Chick,
It's time to set out the GermX on my desk. I hope nobody uses it as hair gel this year.

I drop in to visit, but nobody's home! I hope you get your computer up and running.