Friday, October 27, 2006

Story Time

Today it's story time, brought to you by the folks who search for
odd things and find them at Hillbilly Mom's mansion. There will be
no reprints anywhere, so read it while you can.

It started a long time back. Back in the year women quit wearing
pantyhose television. Sitting at Sammie Sparks table, staring at
Sammie Sparks boobs as she forked out the last of the daughter
earthworm snacks, Hillbilly Mom wondered, "Is that where the
foul under boob smell is coming from? Those ravaged boobs smell
as bad as thirty boobs! Not quite as bad as grandmas megaboobs,
what with their old people smell, but as bad as mom panties. That
gal needs a serious underboob deodorant."

Sammie Sparks shook some more spank your mama seasoning
onto her fried groundhog, ketchup. She sure luuurrrved her some
good hillbilly cooking. It made her appreciate those heartburn hotel
commercials all the more. "Tell me, Hillbilly Mom," said Sammie,
"that julie andrews autiobiography to be published when?" They
moved their private party to the hot tub in the garage for some
good clean hillbilly fun.

Hillbilly Mom stumbled as if she lost a leg. By cracky! Another
sign moms work is never done! Leave it to that stinky-boobed
Sammie to get her mind to workin' overtime. Just as she had been
pleasantly dreaming about how many calories are in a dairy queen
banana split, that a.w.o.l. shoplifter in a hillbilly costume, Sammie,
had to bring up the Julie Andrews autobiography. "Why don't
people think I can write the Julie Andrews autobiography?"
she whined.

"Umm...because you're not Julie Andrews?" asked Sammie. "Still,
you could write a book. You've always used proper penmanship.
In fact, you use big chief tablet penmanship. You have a variety of
subjects you could write about:

how to dress like a pretty hillbilly
inbreeding stories
how to make meth with benadryl
invitation sayings to country bumpkins party
how to write an ode
teepeeing laws for teens
untold stories of the er woman with bugs in head
stories girlfriend's mom dumped

There is no end to them, Hillbilly Mom! How about the diggingest
dog script? You never finished it."

"Well," said Hillbilly Mom, "the writin' life ain't all it's cracked up
to be. I got a feeling that fella that called himself an agent was all
about screwing hillbillies. Yep. He was not about to commence
to screwing buddy mom, I tell you. First he asked me what do
hillbillies wear, and the next day he showed up in a guy hillbilly
costume. The next day, he asked me to dress up like a hillbilly,
in a hillbilly costume female. All I could think of to come next was
ugly hillbilly babies, so I got out of there faster than fifty hillbillies
in a haunted house!"

Hillbilly Mom pointed out the garage door to her front yard. "See
that homemade barrel pontoon boat, Sammie? I may not live in
the coors light mansion, but I have a coors light costume! I know
how to have a good time with a lotto ticket chain letter, and hillbilly
stick moviesgambling. I make a pretty good income hacking toy
grabber machines, and even though my clapper wont work, I am
having more fun than a cell phone commercial butt toucher. I don't
need to write a book. I don't care how many free pvc dart guns or
homemade book covers they throw in, I don't want to write. You've
got to play your own kind of song, Sammie Sparks, or you'll be
pushin' up daisies next to little debbies grave. Take a note to self,
Sammie, cause this ol' gal knows the difference between sprite and
always save(strawberry) with mentos. By cracky!"

Concluding her life lesson for the day, Hillbilly Mom took Sammie
into the mansion minor for a rousing session of scrapbooking. It soon
became la mansion disco as HM put a vinyl disc of alicia bridges
i love my nightlife on her old turntable. She followed it with the
Spinners' workin my way back to you, and the two feisty gals
worked way into the night sorting through pictures of hillbillies
cooking, pictures of hannah montana real life brothers and sisters,
hillbilly picture with tooth missing, hillbilly mama - picture, photo of
hillbillies on lawn tractors, pictures of mimi summer, donna summer
the disco singer daughter, and abandoned mansion pictures. A good
time was had by all.

That concludes this edition of Great Literary Works of Hillbilly Mom.


Redneck Diva said...

I am going to have to start checking my stats daily. I only check every week or even longer sometimes and my list is a mere fraction of yours! Of course, I haven't been blogging much lately, so therefore there probably aren't a lot of hits to mine anyway.

Hillbilly Mom said...

There's a trick to it. I check them every couple of days. I save the good ones until I have a lot, so I can use them to make a post about nothing.

I have a bunch of your old ones saved, too, that are pretty much hilarious. I could email them to you if you'd like, because now I am getting enough of my own. It was slim pickin's right after I started my blog over again, but now I've got plenty.

Yours are better than mine, though. Let me know if you want them. I think I only used yours in one of the Big Blogger thingies, or back when I opened my Hillbilly Mom's General Store and gave you a mail-order business, or something.

I'm really NOT stalking you. Just ask Fitty.

Redneck Diva said...

I would LOVE for you to send them!! I've started saving mine when I check them, but I just forget to check them! You can find my email on my blog, k? THANKS!!

Word Verification: uhglypyu - "Ugly - PU" So ugly you stink? Now, that's ugly!

Redneck Diva said...

Omg, as I hit publish on that I realized that someone might misconstrue that I was calling you so ugly you stink! I wasn't - promise! I've never even seen you OR smelled you! Well, just dressed as a Coors Light can....and you weren't ugly. You looked cool and refreshing.

Hillbilly Mom said...

They are on their way. I thought for a moment I had figured out why nobody wants to play Trivia with me.

I am indeed COOL and REFRESHING. A picture doesn't lie. Unlike those people who PISS ME OFF!