Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Looking for Something?

Wow! If you thought I was having a bad day yesterday (which was
topped off by losing my internet dial-up at 8:00 p.m.), you should
see the sad sacks who have been searching for stuff and found my
Mansion.

I hope the person looking for how to cover red marks left from
electrolysis is not the same one telling us she lost a leg and looking
for her wooden leg.

Life must really suck when mum's breath stinks, people call you
hillbilly one tooth, which surely means you have hillbilly meth teeth,
and somebody plays a clogging toilet prank on you, resulting in
phone dropped toilet poop
. Methinks not even MacGalver
herself could save you from that one, and you might as well get
used to carrying your cell phone in a ziploc.

On a day such as this, you'd better not wear your broke my ankle
loafers while you're out shopping for cheap briefs for big mens.
I'm sorry I don't have the answer for do I really need to throw
away my hydrocodone by the expiration date the pharmacy puts
on the bottle, and how long does it take for histinex to wear off?
You might want to invest in a hillbilly liver cleaner. Especially if
you are Halls mentholyptus cough drops every day hooked.

The only information I feel qualified to give is that if you are looking
for photos of hillbilly boobs and find a wrinkly woman picture of a
skanky hillbilly, you'd better also read about hillbilly inbreeding
before you follow through with those plans to poke your mom.
And it wouldn't hurt to check out untold stories of the ER bugs
in the scalp.

If raising a large family of morons is what you strive for, be sure
to look into polygamist pleasure. Oh. You said 'morons'. In that
case, make sure to invest in the camera on the internet that makes
you look like a hillbilly, explain to everyone you meet that mom
forced me to wear pantyhose, become an expert on how long
nightcrawlers last in the refrigerator, and run for miss jury duty
Missouri.

Well, today was not much better than yesterday. I'm off to make
an angry stick hillbillies video. You're all welcome to join me in
these festivities anytime. Pick up your hillbilly application and I'll
get back to you.

4 comments:

Cazzie!!! said...

PMSL, you should be a pharmacist laydee!!!

LanternLight said...

I heard a rumour that Mabel is an imaginary friend, and I just wanna know if that's true!

"Google" is no help... ;-)

scrapper said...

I just spewed my milk! *G* Thanks for another great laugh over breakfast!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Cazzie,
Yep. I know all about my liver toxins.

Lantern,
Mabel is quite real. I've know her since 1987, though we were not exactly friends then, because I hung out with the smokers, and she is very protective of her lungs. I hope I don't get a case of passive-smoking lung cancer.

Scrapper,
Sorry to waste the milk. Glad to give you a laugh.