Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Hillbilly Mom Reaches Her Boiling Point

Those people are back. You know who I'm talking about. Those
people piss me off people. People, people, people!

Let's begin with my morning pissers. I can not park in the place I
parked for 6 years. Last year, a usurper took over that spot. This
year, a new pisser has taken that spot from the former usurper.
It's not such a great spot. It's waaaay to the end, and next to a
fireplug. Which is probably illegal, except our lot is private property.
Now that I must rush to drive across town in 4 minutes, I have
adopted a new parking space. It is in the second row, on the end.
I take the end, because I can park way over on the line, and still
have room for the door of my large SUV to open. It's a steep lot.
That door swings all the way open, thanks to old friend gravity.
But what should happen at my new parking space? SOMEBODY
must park RIGHT NEXT TO ME! We are the only two cars on
the second row. There must be 20 or more spaces in that row.
I have a magnetic attraction for bad parkers, I suppose. Does
That Somebody merely park in the space next to me? Oh, noooo!
That Somebody creeps over onto the line. WHY? What is this
advantage? That Somebody parks facing uphill, which puts the
driver's door next to the driver's door of my large SUV. Now
I have to grab that 800-pound door when I open it, so it won't
slam into That Somebody's car. This process has become tiresome.
It would be different if That Somebody got there first. Then I could
adjust my large SUV so I had room. Nope. I park with nobody
else in that row. I come out for the 4-minute rush across town
to Basementia, and there is THATSOMEBODYMOBILE
crowding me. I don't even know who it is. It has a handicap sticker.
Why doesn't it park in front of the building, in a handicap space?
That's not really a riddle, but the answer is: Because I'm not there.

Next on the pisser list, the copy machine. Every time I go to use
it, I get "Load paper in Tray 1." WTF? How can it be empty
EVERY time? I dutifully fill its gullet with 500 sheets of gourmet
copy paper. Don't think I don't try Tray 3 first. I'm pretty crafty.
Nope. Tray 3 is also anorexic, yet dares to beg for a meal. Lest
we forget Tray 2, I must explain that it copies all funky in a freaky
sideways manner, and I do not have time to figure that out, since
I have always been a bit spatially challenged.

Pisser of the Third Kind is the kid who slammed the book down
on the tile floor just to see me flinch. Only he missed that visual
treat, because I was in the hall with my back against the wall. Oh,
I stuck my head in, asking, "Was that really necessary?" And then
came the wrong answer, "What? That? My book slid off the desk."
Now IT IS ONNNNNN! I returned to the hall until the bell. I
presented the lesson. Then I asked, "Will you show me how your
book slid off and made that loud noise? Because I have never seen
a book do that. It's only when the person holds it over his head
with both hands and slams it down flat on the floor. If it had slid
off, it would have landed in the chair. And if it continued to slide
from the chair, it would have landed on its spine, which would
hardly make any noise." Heehee. His eyes were big as McDonald's
pancakes. He tried it. He tried it 3 times. Nope. It wasn't happening.
Methinks he will not mess with me again.

Pisser to the 4th Power decided that he didn't need my math class,
because, well, he was good at math and was only put in there
because he went to alternative school all last year, and that made
all his grades go to 'F's, and he wanted out. Which all came about
because first cat out of the bag he asked to go in the library to do
his work. His work from his OTHER math class, when he hadn't
even gotten my work yet, and was absent yesterday and had that
to make up as well. I wrote him a pass to the counselor, since she
is the only one who can change his schedule. I wrote on the pass
that he said he didn't need my math class. Heh heh. He came back
pretty quick, fuming. I told him that whatever he was mad about
when he came in, it's no use blaming all his unhappiness on me
and my class. And the funniest thing happened. He held up both
hands, changed his tune, and said, "OK...OK." And he was a
little gentleman the rest of class. Oh, then the Bookslammer said
he didn't need my class, could he have a pass to the counselor?
No. Why? Because, well.....he's the Bookslammer. The lying
Bookslammer. Karma's a b*tch, pal.

I shall close with the fast-food pisser, that turkey-talking he/she
ambiguous Pat kind o' boygirl who took my order for #1 son's
chicken strip meal. I don't take issue with the genderbending.
I take issue with talking so fast that you literally sound like one
of those turkey-caller thingies. Gobblegobblegobble I couldn't
understand a word you said, even though you repeated it twice
in the speaker thingy, and once at the window. DARN, guygal!
Come off that 3-day meth binge, stop your speeding, and take
your minimum-wage career more seriously. Or look into one
of those auctioneer jobs.

Whew! I feel better now that all that steam has escaped me.


Cazzie!!! said...

I bet That Somebody parks the way they do because they have crap peripheral vision..and it would piss me off too if some1 parked that close to me. Maybe it is a plan, a plan that one day you will let go of the door and it slams into their car and they claim against you...deceiptful old biddy they are..or perhaps young biddy that claims compensation and has a disabled sticker because...they can!! People that do this suck!!!
Oh, and well done on getting the bookslammer first dodgy moove he made..thatll show him and his pals not to mess with you. Maybe his parents let him get away with crap but not his teachers hey?

Redneck Diva said...

Last night I was declaring your motto to everyone I knew. Yesterday was a real People Piss Me Off kinda day. It sucked.

I remember bookslammers from back when I was in school. I didn't like them back then and I don't think I would like them now.

MrsCoach2U said...

I'd have already let my door SLAM into the close parker but then I guess that's what makes us all unique. Maybe your large SUV shades their car and they'll scoot over when it cools down.

Betty said...

What irritates me is parking my sedan-type car and having two huge pickup trucks park on either side of me so I can't see backing out. And, when I get to the movies, and the theater is pracically empty, someone will invariably come in and sit in the seat right next to me, when there are many, many other places to sit. Am I just a crusty old curmudgeon, or what?

Rebecca said...

Hi Hillbilly Mom,
I think some people can only park if they are next to another car. If your vision is that bad, you can't get out of your car and see if you are between the lines, then you shouldn't be driving.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I will not let it rest. Again today, I asked to see how that book could make such a noise. The Lying Bookslammer kind of ducked his head and looked sheepish, though he is still sticking to his story.
I'll break him in a few days...I'll get the full confession.

So YOU know that a book falling off a desk CAN NOT make that loud noise. Thanks for the validation. Let's build a big arena, and have PISSER pulls. We could hook up those big tractors from the tractor pulls...hook them to the PISSERS, and see whose PISSERS can last the longest without dismemberment. Is that brutal? Are we not modern-day gladiatiors? Are there any laws against this sort of thing in Oklahoma? (The cutting-edge education state.)

You get points for the door-slamming concept, but I'm afraid I must deduct some for insinuating that my large SUV is some kind of unpopular, bloated, never-gonna-be-asked-to-the-prom, full-figured auto so large that it can block out the sun.

Count your blessings that one of those trucks didn't belong to my HH, who backed over a little car last Saturday.
Oooh! And I forgot all about those movie people! I HATE THEM! I get there 45 minutes early, to sit with two antsy kids, just to get the seat I want, and then they sit right in front of us, with the big-headed adults making my kids sit up on the folded-up chairs to see over them. PISSERS!

What a country you and Cazzie live in! It must be full of blind people parking on top of others willy-nilly, never knowing what havoc they are wreaking! Now I know what the handicap sticker was for: Legally Blind. When did Mr. Magoo start teaching at my school?