Thursday, December 14, 2006

HM Dishes It Up

I'm trying something new tonight. I won't have a theme or story to
tell you about. I am going to dip into my overflowing, steaming vat
of fresh keyword searches and ladel up a few at random. I will make
up a story from them. Enjoy...

Here's a fine how-do-you-do for y'all: after so many years wore
down floor, put new a one in and scuffed it up. Yep, that's just like
us hillbillies. It's why we can't have nice things.

Now we will commence with the evil hillbilly sayings. He wore a
bowel hat and carried a cane in his bag. Yeah, that's pretty dad-gum
vicious as evil hillbilly sayings go. Because can you imagine how a
bowel hat must smell, what with all the stuff that goes through a
bowel, and to think he wore a hat made of that gunk, right on his
head, which is fairly close to the nose, methinks, though I am not
a physician nor do I play one on TV, although I certainly like that
Luka Kovac on ER, even though a couple weeks ago he threatened
to kill Forest Whitaker if he didn't allegedly quit stalking Abby and
little Joe, and a few seasons ago he threatened to kill Abby's wife-
beating neighbor who wasn't very good at the wife-beating business
and beat Abby instead, which was only to prove to her that no
good could come of her drinking and opening the door to a wife-
beating neighbor who she thought was the food-delivery man
because HELLO she had been drinking, and oh, I am almost
forgetting that one Luka Kovac actually did kill a man by slamming
his head repeatedly into the pavement on his very first date with
Abby, who later turned out to be not that pretty and not that
special, to quote a pissed-off Luka just before his fling with the
kleptomaniacal French waitress. Gosh. You people who don't
watch ER just don't know what you're missing. Mabel. Anyhoo,
getting back to the evil hillbilly saying, the bowel hat guy must be
quite a magician if he can carry a cane in his bag, unless it is one
of those collapsible canes, like the collapsible drinking cup that
my mom used to carry in her purse because apparently my sister
and I had holes in our chins and could not drink properly from
a water fountain, which I blame on her boy-toes, and my laughing
so hard at them that I couldn't hold my water.

I am now pondering the sudden disappearance of my food benefits
on ebt card. I don't even recall having an EBT card. Perhaps this
is a flashback to my life of poverty. That was a cool game, even if
I was wrenched away from my true family, and my buddy Mabel
then turned to a life of crime selling pocket candy as drugs. I hope
the person searching for this does not really hope to find an answer
here. I am not affiliated with the EBT agency, and I am not a member
in good standing with Mystery, Inc.

I am also sorry that I can not help those looking for dining out turkey
dinner missouri. I heard that there are turkey farms in southwestern
Missouri, and that the birds are so dumb they will look up at the rain
and drown. Perhaps that's just an old wive's tale.

emergency procedures on papermate liquid paper are not found here.
Great Googley Moogley, people! Call 911 or the local ER! Why are
you searching the internet for emergency procedures? If I was turning
blue and grabbing my throat and gesturing wildly, would you log on,
check your email, and google 'Heimlich Maneuver'?

uses for pringles cans? Yeah, I get that a lot, to borrow a line from
Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley in Alien 4: Resurrection, when
told "I thought you were dead." I blame my teaching buddy, Mabel.
Not for Ripley being told she was dead, but for the Pringles questions,
because Mabel can't get enough empty Pringles cans. She's insatiable.

Here's one I need help with: hillbilly sayings hog knows about sunday.
What does a hog know about Sunday? Is there a conspiracy? Does
the hog know about the soundstage where the moon landing was
filmed? Did that happen on a Sunday? Is this really a hillbilly saying?
I feel like I've been left out of the loop, like everyone will be wearing
jeans tomorrow, but nobody told me.

kids hillbilly beards sale. Yep, we have 'em here at the Mansion.
There's still time to get one before Christmas. Don't let your kid be
the only one without a beard under the tree on Christmas morning.
Order now, and we'll throw in a free meth using chicken scratch.
I know it's too good to believe. We'll ship that meth-using chicken
right along with the beard. Your kiddie will unwrap it, get scratched,
and you can send the chicken right back to us in its postage-paid
cardboard coop. Meerrrrrryyy Christmas!

Have you had enough, or are you thirsty for more? We'll see if I
have any ideas tomorrow night. In the meantime, I'll leave you
humming those good googley moogley that thing is juicy lyrics.

Y'all come back now, y'hear?

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