HM Has Essues

OK, I thought that title was funny, but you have to know how to
say it. I'm not suing anybody. I mean like in ISSUES, but with an
'E'. Get it? Because it's about Email, silly.

I have Essues today, Essues with Email. It is becoming ridiculous. Oh,
I don't mean my personal email. The account that is not Gmail, with
its precious spam filter. The account that someone has been selling
the h*ll out of since I did my online Christmas shopping last week.
Even it has become overwhelming, now that I think about it..

Here's a little secret. Shh...I am not OH SO POPULAR! I know it's
hard to believe. Normally, I only get 10-12 emails a day. The kind
telling me that my p*nis is too small, or trying to sell me narcotics
from Canada, or telling me my loan has been approved, or just
dropping in to say 'Hi'. Yes, unless my Hillbilly Mama has forwarded
me something that has freaked her out, or Mabel is filling me in on
some scoop, or Bean is updating me on her life every 6 months no
matter if anything noteworthy has happened or not, or I've ordered
something that has just shipped...I don't get much email. And that's
the way I like it. Uh huh.

Let's get back to the Beanie Baby. Bean is one of my oldest friends.
That's not to say that Bean is old, like "Your Social Security number
is 1", or "I told you to act your age...and you died" old. I mean
that I have known The Bean for a very long time. And we can resume
our communication after years and years of my disappearance into
the Blogger Protection Program as if a day never passed. But lately,
I have not heard from The Beaner. I have tried not to Bean-stalk.
I have waited patiently. Then today, in the midst of 76 emails, what
should appear but a cryptic Beanmail. We'll see what develops from
this little sprout.

Anyhoo...back to the emails. Now I am getting about 75 per day.
They are so considerate, these unwanted new friends of mine. They
even send their emails alphabetically. They must know I'm a teacher,
huh? Amber says, then Audrey says, then Bambi says, etc. And
when they get tired of talking, they write. Also alphabetically. Cindy
wrote, and David wrote, and Donald wrote, and Edward wrote,
etc. Can't these spammers be more original? At least the old "Hey,
oven mitt" and "Hey, pond scum" kind of messages gave me a laugh.
Now they are all generic. Just like the youth of today. No imagination.

But what I was really complaining about were my work emails. Sure,
every now and then someone will send out 40 questions, or a Sexpert
Quiz, or some such thingy. That's not every day. In Basementia, we
are expected to check the email for breaking news every hour, if not
more often. Today there were 17 emails. 17 ! Only one was specifically
to me, a reply concerning a duty I volunteered for. The rest were just
too much. They took up more than one page! Usually, 4 or 5 a day
will do it. They came from various people, too. I don't know what
they're putting in the water over there. I never get even one email
from the other building. Not even a reply.

I'm hoping this is not a trend. Perhaps it's a returning-from-a-long-
holiday-weekend-and-must-update-what's-happening thing. I can't
keep checking through that many emails. Just my luck, if I don't check,
I will miss something vitally important that must be done immediately.
Like lock all the doors and windows, or some kid needs to go to the
nurse NOW, or turn in those lesson plans that were due this morning
(heh, heh, that one went out today, but mine were IN already). I have
to use my time to teach, and to stand in the hall between classes. I
can't be refreshing my screen all day long.

It's hard to teach me new tricks.