Monday, April 09, 2007

Hillbilly Mom's Pity Party Agenda

Welcome! I'm throwing a pity party for moi. I think I deserve it. Just look at what people were searching for when the arrived at my Mansion. If this keeps up, I might develop a complex.

Hillbilly Mom's Pity Party Agenda

I don't know why people have to be so mean. After a hard day of teaching different kinds of hoppies, you'd think a person would be allowed to do some quality laying' around the shanty getting' a good buzz on. But no! People call my home the devils mansion. They ridicule my faux mink king bedspread neiman marcus. C'mon. He's family, like my Lovely Green Shirt, Jeannie. They don't appreciate my fine art, either. Especially that lovely, framed picture of mom getting a wedgie.

People are mean, people! They call me names like ingrown hair nostril nose, and gut nose instep balls miss congeniality, and skunk disposal, and cakey lover. They sing me the i don't love you much lyrics, and make fun of my Hillbilly heritage by rapping the lyrics of we'are hillbillies in hillbilly hills. And they call ME cindy preszler annoying! (FYI, Cindy Preszler is a local news meteorologist). Apparently, I was a gummi bears ogre for a day, and now they are saying it's about time I got the belt.

Then there are all those accusations. When they sarcastically typed somebody hit my parked car and dont wantto pay, I assumed it was just my rude neighbors claiming parking spots. Perhaps they'd gotten into the gold mercedes license plate cracky again. But then somebody said I was to blame when small red spots appear on arms and torso for about an hour and then fade. I beg to differ. Try staying out of the cefprozil rash sun, geniuses.

Next came the insinuations. Oh, they didn't come right out and call me an addict, but instead tried to trick me with 'innocent' questions. Like how good is histinex? And how long does histinex stay in your system? And how much hydrocodone is in histinex? And when you were little, did you have a prescription histinex toddler cough? It's enough to make me want to thump them over their pointy little heads with my histinex teaspoon. Which is a special kind of hillbilly silverware, it seems. But that's not enough drugs for someone with Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's evil hillbilly background. How do you snort benadryl? Is there much money in making meth benadryl? Are you a champion at meth trivia? And perhaps my favorite: fentanyl patches how to ho to shower with it on. Do they want to know how to ho? Or how to shower with a fentanyl patch? As Kim Darby told Glen Campbell in the Academy Award winning, badly-acted, 1968 classic John Wayne film, True Grit: "One would be as unpleasant as the other."

Let's lay off the meany-sounding searches for Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, people. Just go back to the everyday where to go buy sissy sleeve panties for men, and cartoons with the line oh my aching sacroiliac, and hillbilly tricks to fuel pump replacement. I'm just asking. Requesting, please. Because I will be the first to tell you: hillbillies mess with wrong guy and get gun pulled on them.

8 comments:

LanternLight said...

Because I will be the first to tell you: hillbillies mess with wrong guy and get gun pulled on them.

I saw that video. An armed society is a polite society :-)

What I want to know is:
are there any blonde HillBillys? Elvis certainly played one in a movie.

Chickadee said...

LMAO!!! OMG, don't you just wander what these people are THINKING???

By the way, how many of those searches are done by people in the great state of Missourah?

DeadpanAnn said...

Thought you would like to read this:

http://www.comcast.net/news/national/index.jsp?cat=DOMESTIC&fn=/2007/04/10/632783.html&cvqh=itn_wideawake

Hillbilly Mom said...

Lantern,
Yes, last year, our illustrious governor suggested arming teachers. That lasted for about 24 hours, and then he issued a statement that he'd been misunderstood.

Yes. There are blonde hillbillies. They are kind of washed out and pale, like the gene pool was so watered down that there wasn't enough pigment left to go around. These hillbillies are sometimes a hybrid redneck-hillbilly thingy. Their necks virtually GLOW when the hybrid is angered, or embarrassed, or exposed to the sun for a few minutes. Oops! I'd better be careful. I don't want to pull a Don Imus.


Chick,
I don't follow the links to see where the searchers are from. I don't want to discover the search came from INSIDE THE HOUSE!


Miss Ann,
I'm not sure which one you thought I would like. Or if it's the entire site. It's like a candy store for meth addicts. Soooo many stories to choose from. Shall I try the Nutso Nowak pampered ex-astronaut stalker? Shall I try 'Wide-Awake Surgery Led To Death'? Shall I see what Don Imus is up to now? Shall I see what those wacky, gun-toting students will try next? This will keep me busy and out of trouble indefinitely. By cracky.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
NOW I KNOW! It was the Awake During Surgery thingy! New Blogger must have cut off part of the link, or else I did. It wasn't my fault. I think I have post-traumatic stress syndrome from WAKING UP DURING FREAKIN' SURGERY!!! Man...now I need a fake Vicodin. Oh. They're all gone. Cause that quacky doctor only gave me a prescription for TEN pills after freakin' surgery. SURGERY THAT I WOKE UP DURING, BY CRACKY!

Thank you OH SO MUCH for that link.
I have been validated. But I'm not going to blow my head off. I will live a life of quiet desperation, using prepositions to end sentences with.

DeadpanAnn said...

oops-- I thought the link would take you directly to that specific story. Comcast's news page is weird like that. I'm glad you tracked it down.

DeadpanAnn said...

Now I see-- it cut part of the address off when I pasted it. Blasted new blogger!

Hillbilly Mom said...

Miss Ann,
I went back to my gmail comment moderator thingy and used your original link.

New Blogger's a rough mistress, she is. Somebody should start a website called "newbloggerhatesyou.com". Kind of like mycathatesyou.com, only without the touching pictures of the sweet little kitties.