Sunday, April 29, 2007

Look What HH Dragged Home

Perhaps I've told you of my husband's penchant for bringing home things he thinks he can use around the Mansion. The latest, until today, was the lumber from the pallets and boxes that come with the rolls of steel they receive at work. He is making a Mini-Mansion out of this lumber down by the creek. Yes, until today, that lumber was his latest unclaimed treasure. Until today.

Look at what HH brought us this morning.

It's a perfectly good Chinese man.
His name is 'Ben'. I told HH we can't keep him.

OK, here's the real story. Ben is here for work at HH's plant. He has been here one week, and has three more to go. According to HH, Ben is staying at a motel near work. He doesn't have anything to do in his spare time. I jokingly asked, "What does he eat, Chinese?" That is so wrong. And not very funny, either. Don't worry, I'm not going to pull a Rosie O'Donnell rant. I just thought about what I would do in another country for that long...a country that might not even have Sonic Cherry Diet Cokes.

HH not only did not laugh at my little joke (I think his laugher is on the fritz. I haven't heard it much since they quit making those Ernest Goes To...movies. Darn that Jim Varney for kicking the bucket!). Anyhoo...HH said, "Yes. He does eat Chinese. There's a restaurant close to the motel, and Ben walks over there so he can talk Chinese with the people who own it. I'm picking him up on Sunday to spend the day here. I'm always grateful when I'm traveling if somebody shows me around. I hate to sit in a motel room."

Since this was an HH excursion, there are a few things you ought to know. HH planned to pick up Ben at his motel, and treat himself to a continental breakfast. As he said, "They even have biscuits and gravy!" I hope Ben does not get evicted for his freeloading friend. Next, Ben got a tour of the barn first, HH's pride and joy. Then he came in the house to meet the family and observe HH's gun collection and hoard of 'treasures'. HH is always looking for fresh blood to brag himself blue in the face. Next, we went out back by the pool to shoot a BB gun. From there, the boys were off to tour the property, and show off the Mini-Mansion, which is proudly sporting one truss. The roof kind of truss. After that, HH took Ben about a mile up the gravel road to see our other 10 acres. Now, HH and #1 have taken Ben on a tour of the area. Included in this jaunt is the historical town of Ste. Genevieve. HH says it is because Ben wanted to see the Mississippi. I hope they are not going on a winery tour. Ben might be Buddhist or something, and be offended. Never mind that the Mississippi is less than one mile as the crow flies from HH's workplace. We must treat Ben to about 90 minutes of driving to show him HH's way.

Here are some of Ben's observations. Ben lives in an apartment in Beijing. He says HH has a big house, and a big family, that he is a rich man in property and family. Ben's wife is having a baby in July. They are only allowed by the Chinese government to have one child. If a family has more than one child, they have to pay a fine. Ben was very impressed that HH has FOUR sons. He was seemingly shocked by the number of guns HH has, asking if they were always kept locked, because of the children. (YES! They ARE!) HH had planned to let Ben shoot a couple of them (the guns, not the children), but Ben did not want to. Ben, after making sure that HH showed him it was unloaded, agreed to hold a .38 for a picture. He kind of took a gangster stance. He said, "When my wife see picture, she say, 'What are you doing with gun? Come home!'." Ben says that in China, the people are not allowed to own guns. Only the police and military can have them. HH did persuade Ben to shoot one of the boys' Red Ryder BB guns. He was a pretty good shot.

HH pointed to the 5th wheel camper in the front yard. "See, Ben? We can go camping at the State Parks in that." Ben motioned at all the land with his hands. "Why? You camp here. Pull it over there. Then over there. No need to go anywhere!" He's a funny guy, that Ben. Ben took pictures of everything with his phone. HH also had the #1 son taking pictures, and told Ben that we will make him a CD of all the pictures. Ben says to the kid, "You can email them to me?" Oh, yeah. That boy lives to fiddle with technology.

HH put Ben in the Scout, and a boy on each 4-wheeler. He said he was going to get some pictures of Ben driving the Scout and sitting on the tractor. Poor Ben. I wonder if he has ever seen Green Acres. Ben drove one of the 4-wheelers. As you can see by the picture, Ben was a proper Hillbilly, putting his helmet in the homemade basket to drive it around. I promise that the kids wear a helmet.

Ben is OH SO POLITE. Not at all like us ugly Americans. He was dressed in slacks, dress shoes, and a dark blue oxford-type shirt. As opposed to HH, in his holey jeans, stained gray T-shirt, and scuffed tennis shoes. I am always interested in how other cultures relate. I could never in a million years learn enough Chinese to spend a month there. HH has also brought Helmut from Germany home from work. I didn't meet Helmut, but #1 spent the day with him. #2 thought his name was Hermit. Hey! He's a little kid. Several years ago, we sold a Toyota to Felipe, the Colombian. Thank goodness he didn't give us a necktie! Oops! There I go again, being politically uncorrect, as Gretchen Wilson says. Felipe's wife was a teacher in Columbia. HH said she was related to Fidel Castro. Though I don't know what Cuba has to do with Colombia. Then again, I am historically, geographically, and politically challenged. Throw some math or science at me, though, and I can hold my own. HH, the world traveler, knows a little more than I. But he is also a big name-dropper. He has been caught falsifying facts on other occasions.

So I leave you now, with images of Ben on a 4-wheeler dancing in your head.
Methinks he had a good time.


Cazzie!!! said...

Evict him and lemme come on over and share ya pad with yas will ya!!!
I wanna tour the HB mansion and shoot a target to blazers and ride on the 4 wheeler and all that.
LOL, Ben does sound like a cool guy, I hope he does enjoy his time there. Sad he can only have one baby, sad for the baby really.

Mean Teacher said...

It's a perfectly good Chinese man!

That cracked me up!

I once had a roommate from Beijing. Her name was Jing-Jing. She walked into the dorm room a few hours after arriving in the U.S. and was greeted by me snoring loudly in the middle of the day. What a welcome.

Hillbilly Mom said...

You and your young'uns would love it here. There is so much to get into and fiddle with. And we speak with prepositions ending our sentences, too!

Ben does not know if he's having a boy or a girl. He says his in-laws want a boy. I though everyone in China wanted a boy. That's what I read about, anyway. He really is a nice guy.

The closest I've come to a Chinese roommate is a Japanese exchange student in my room on the senior trip. I think I've mentioned it here before, but it's my blog, and I'll tell stories over and over again if I want to.

Her name was Rie Yoshimura, and she was a quiet girl. She took a shower with the curtain on the outside of the tub, and used all our towels to soak up the flood.

MrsCoach2U said...

You should have put that caption ABOVE the picture! I hadn't scrolled down and I just sat and stared at the picture for a full minute thinking to myself "Gee, I never pictured HH as a middle-aged Chinese guy before". I was thinking the treasure was the milk cart or the item in the milk cart, not the man on the 4-wheeler. Thankfully I kept reading!!!

Not that HH being a middle aged Chinese guy would be bad, just not what I had pictured as Laird of Hillmombia.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I was going for the element of surprise. The milk crate was indeed a treasure at one time. Then it became a basket which was used to ride the boy young'un in. UNBEKNOWNST TO ME. The item in the milk crate is a helmet. Some people wear them on their heads when they ride 4-wheelers. Weirdos!

Stewed Hamm said...

Maybe it's me, but after reading the whole story, with the acres of land and ample firearms... Ben looks like he's thinking "Dear God, they're going to kill me, and nobody will ever find my body in this wasteland."

(except he's thinking it in Chinese)

Redneck. Diva. said...

I initially had the same reaction that Mrs. Coach had - I always pictured HH less Asian. Not that there's anything wrong with an Asian Hillbilly...

Hillbilly Mom said...

Wow! You are good! I had no idea that's what Ben was thinking. I imagined, perhaps, "A tisket, a tasket. I'm four-wheeling with my basket."

HH is as 'less Asian' as you can get.