Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Even Your Mom Slacker Parasite

Hey, that kid I loaned $10 for food on his band trip, who
paid me back $5 yesterday...paid me the other $5 today.
See? It's like pulling a thorn out of a lion's paw. The lion
will bring you ten dollars in two installments. That's a good
ol' Hillbilly Mom fable. She's Even Steven, you know.

On the other side of the coin, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom became
fed-up with a long-time DoNot this morning. Every word
out of somebody's mouth, he had to make the smart-butt
comment: "Your mom." After the eleventy-eighth time of
hearing this time-wasting, totally inappropriate attempt at
humor, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom interjected: "Oh. Your mom.
She's going to come sit by you at the mandatory after-
school tutoring you were sentenced to yesterday?" He
did not much think that was funny.

There was bad weather forecast for this afternoon. I told
the #1 son that it was too bad I had bus duty after school.
Just our luck, the school might apply the new policy of
not sending kids home during a weather warning. Oh, the
bad luck of those late-bus kids, what with me and the
#1 son's science fair sponsor having duty today. Are we
the take-charge kind of teacher who will not let one hair
on a kid's head be harmed? The kind you know will take
care of you, even laying down his own life to protect you?
Nope. We are the clock-watching, half-a$$ed-is-good-
enough, slacker kind of teacher. Thank the Gummi Mary
that the storm hit about 5 minutes after we left. Because
all would have perished if they depended on us to lead
them out of harm's way.

On the home front, I found a TICK on my leg yesterday.
Yes. A parasite. At least he didn't pee on my leg and
tell me it was raining. That sucker had a death grip on
my flesh. I could NOT get him loose. I tried alcohol.
Twice. For the tick, not for me, though I could have used
a good snort of some spirits when I saw him brazenly
sucking the lifeforce out of my flesh. I mean the rubbing
alcohol stuff, the kind that will make you blind if you drink
it, so I'm told. It works when HH puts it on the boys. Not
for this tick. Hillbilly Mom's blood must be extra-sweet,
with all that dissolved Sonic Cherry Diet Coke flowing
through her veins. I finally had to grab that pest with
tweezers to yank his head out. I know you're not
supposed to do that, like it allegedly squeezes all the
tick toxins into you, like...umm...that Lyme Disease
bacterial stuff. What was I supposed to do, leave him
there to bloat up, like some kind of fluid-filled brooch,
to be the envy of all with my verminy faux-gem jewelry?

To add insult to my injury, I am the only one of the family
with a tick. Unlike Tom Sawyer on a slow day at school,
I was not looking upon that tick as an asset. I have not
been off the porch or sidewalk. I have not so much dipped
a big toe into the lawn. The boys and HH spent all day
Saturday and Sunday down in the woods at the Mini-
Mansion. They sat in the woods and listened for turkeys.
They shot the BB guns. They played with the dogs. They
were USDA Prime tick-bait, by cracky! But I got the
tick. I've been Stevened again, and need some Evening.

Perhaps I should adjust my karma. Your mama is so not
fat that nobody can even think of any jokes about her.

5 comments:

Cazzie!!! said...

Sonic Cherry Diet Coke..I'd love to try some of this bevvy.
As for the tick...is it gone yet? Or is it still hanging around?

DeadpanAnn said...

Ticks make me squirm. I could barely pull the occasional tick off my dog when we lived in the woods in Yazoo Shitty. If they're big and plump when I find them, they get to stay until they get their fill because I can't stand it. My sister and I used to get them all the time when we were kids, then she got Rocky Mountain Spotted Tick Fever and it nearly killed her. Something about seeing your sister stop breathing and start turning blue while doctors pound on her chest will spark a serious phobia of whatever it is you're told put her in that position. I can handle other bugs, but no ticks for me, please. Ever.

Peg said...

When I was in high school I had an English teacher that did not know how to discipline (sp?) the students. They would literally run circles around the classroom. She told us at the beginning of the year that as long as we turned in homework assignments and passed the final with at least a B, she could care less what happened in her classroom.

That class to this day was by far my worst ever. I learned absolutely nothing. I passed with an A but learned nothing.

I applaud you for trying your hardest to maintain order and structure.

LanternLight said...

HM, we use to give our dogs garlic in their meals to ward off ticks. It seemed to work.

I used to have BB gun, they were fun! And fairly harmless in comparsion to other firearms.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Cazzie,
I highly recommend it. You'd think I could work an endorsement deal out of Sonic, now wouldn't you?

That tick is long gone. I ripped it off after about 4 attempts, and washed him down the drain.


Miss Ann,
Thanks so much for the horror story. I'm sure you're repaying me for some such medical info I gave you. I'm shocked you didn't recommend some Benadryl. I keep watching for a target-shaped rash to appear. None yet.


Peg,
That's not surprising. I knew one teacher who had a cuss jar. When a kid cussed, the kid had to put in a dollar. I asked the kids what he did with the jar when it was full. "He buys us Little Debbie cakes." So I said, "Doesn't that encourage you to cuss more?" And the kid said, "Pretty much."


Lantern,
I've heard of that, but never tried it. I bet they don't get bitten by vampires, either.

Here's my BB gun horror story. The Veteran and his older brother brought them out to HH's buddy's house when they were about 10 and 12. Buddy's wife was babysitting a kid who was 9. All three boys went out to play with their guns. Next thing you know, the baby-being-sat had a BB under the skin of his forearm. They admitted to playing 'war'. HH took the BB guns away for 6 months. It was summer, too. They didn't get them back until Thanksgiving. These weren't the modern pump-up guns, either. They were Daisy Red Rider BB guns. Thank the Gummi Mary nobody shot his eye out.